Something New

My normal methods for creation usually end up leading me to a small notebook that I keep each year.

It's not something I always share though there have been times lately that I have. I'm rather quiet about it, I'm way secretive about it and some processes were not ever meant to be shared. That's ok, I don't need them all to be.

But lately my inclination has been to create something bigger...something that would hang on a wall somewhere and be seen. It's funny because it's something I'm ridiculously shy about. There are pencil sketches that have hung proudly on a wall in my Namaws house for years now that I made from the time I was 15...yet I would never consider what I do "art" and I question anyone elses acceptance of it. I'm often shocked, even though I know I'm creative, that anyone else would like what I make.

But through some gentle pushing, I made this last week:

And even handing it to the person it was made for had me scared to death that he'd hate it (even though logically, I knew it wouldn't happen).

Now another friend has asked when they will be sold. *gulp*

Insert self doubt, mix liberally with past failure to create something and make anything of it, add a dash of worse case scenario syndrome, subtract the fear of it becoming less than what I need it to be...and you end up with me in an incredibly self deprecating mode of thinking.

Of course Ill keep creating anyway. But for now, I'm just going to turn what I make over to someone else..let them deal with the marketing side of it. I'll just keep making things.

Thankfulness Day 6

Day 6!
6. I'm grateful for the right to vote, the ability to do so, and the knowledge to understand why it matters.

1. I'm thankful that I have a job that while it pays the bills and puts food on the table, I can leave it at work when i go home for the day. I can handle high stress situations at work but when all is said and done, it's a job for me and I need to not let it fall over into the rest of my life. Work is for work.

2. Today I'm grateful for a full night of sleep that I actually rested in. I was put on a Cpap machine a week ago today and last night was the first time I actually slept through the night with it on. I am hoping that it makes a continual difference in my sleep patterns so that I have more energy and a better quality of life.

3. I'm thankful for a compliment that someone gave me a compliment today that truly touched me. We went to a retreat to teach a class for a group and he told me that their entire retreat was modeled after the ones I used to do for my own group. It meant a lot to me that we recognized what I had contributed and thought enough of it to use the example for them as well. 

4. I'm thankful for my parents and the hard work that they do. We spent the morning cleaning out the shed then pitched in to help them work on tearing down an old building on the property. 

5. Im grateful for clean water to drink. I drink a lot of water through the day and some days it's the only healthy thing I do for myself. I'm glad that I have clean, cold water and access to it on a daily basis. Not everyone is so lucky. 

Thankfulness

Continuing on!

1. I'm thankful that I have a job that while it pays the bills and puts food on the table, I can leave it at work when i go home for the day. I can handle high stress situations at work but when all is said and done, it's a job for me and I need to not let it fall over into the rest of my life. Work is for work.

2. Today I'm grateful for a full night of sleep that I actually rested in. I was put on a Cpap machine a week ago today and last night was the first time I actually slept through the night with it on. I am hoping that it makes a continual difference in my sleep patterns so that I have more energy and a better quality of life.

3. I'm thankful for a compliment that someone gave me a compliment today that truly touched me. We went to a retreat to teach a class for a group and he told me that their entire retreat was modeled after the ones I used to do for my own group. It meant a lot to me that we recognized what I had contributed and thought enough of it to use the example for them as well. 

4. I'm thankful for my parents and the hard work that they do. We spent the morning cleaning out the shed then pitched in to help them work on tearing down an old building on the property. 

5. Im grateful for clean water to drink. I drink a lot of water through the day and some days it's the only healthy thing I do for myself. I'm glad that I have clean, cold water and access to it on a daily basis. Not everyone is so lucky. 

Thankfulness

I'm going to attempt to write something I'm thankful for each day this month. Of course, I'm already a day behind because that's just how I roll. SO! Here's yesterday and todays...

1. I'm thankful that I have a job that while it pays the bills and puts food on the table, I can leave it at work when i go home for the day. I can handle high stress situations at work but when all is said and done, it's a job for me and I need to not let it fall over into the rest of my life. Work is for work.

2. Today I'm grateful for a full night of sleep that I actually rested in. I was put on a Cpap machine a week ago today and last night was the first time I actually slept through the night with it on. I am hoping that it makes a continual difference in my sleep patterns so that I have more energy and a better quality of life.

Stay tuned for more!

What Dreams are made of

Thursday night, I was subjected to what will be the first (of probably a few) sleep studies thanks to my Dr. Now, I knew this was coming, for weeks in fact, but somehow the very idea of it slipped my mind until day of.

And then, all hell broke loose.

Ok first let me back track...I have always had sleep issues. My entire family does actually...except my little sister who can (and does) sleep literally, anywhere...so it's not odd or uncommon for me to go days without sleeping, or sleep very very little.

It's not that I don't sleep either...I do. But I have very vivid (and often nightmarish  dreams that leave me in a constant state of being tired. I feel like I was up working/running/doing when I do sleep...which really isn't much of a surprise if you know how terrible I am at stopping from working/running/doing in my waking life.

So here we are, day of study and my brain takes over with all the "what if?" of having to go through this. And trust me, I can think of some very, very disturbing scenarios. Of course it doesn't help that I have been known to talk & walk in my sleep too and I'll have people WATCHING ME SLEEP.

Basically. 

The first thought is what if I get hungry? I can't sleep if I'm hungry. (Please note, at this point all logic has now left my brain building)...What if they won't let me eat? I don't keep cash on me so even if they DO let me eat, I won't have change for vending machine food (which I don't like anyway but illogical brain won't listen)...and I'm thinking all of this while gorging myself on sushi, knowing that I can have breakfast the next morning but totally convinced I will somehow starve to death between the hours of 7pm -7am.

I've also convinced myself that i'll need an extra layer of clothes...this is disconcerting since I sleep naked usually and now, not only do I have to wear pajamas but underwear. Full set. Yeah.

To save you the trouble there was also:

• Being watched entirely all night long by the camera in the room
• Saying/doing something in my sleep to cause embarrassment
• Not being allowed to move/strapped into the bed with electrodes
• Not being allowed to have anything to drink 
• Not being allowed to leave
• ETC.

By the time I actually get to the hospital, I have a bag packed with just about everything imaginable to get me through the next 12 hours and enough Xanax to dose all the nurses if I have to make an escape. I'm fairly certain that if I can use the strap of my bag as a makeshift sling shot, I can launch them into their open mouths, and run. Of course this plain somewhat fails when I realize, I should probably just take the damn pills myself. So I take one and sign in, seating myself in the corner and cowering behind a book. It will look like I'm reading and not terrified. Right, because the eyes-as-big-as-dinner-plates doesn't give me away at-freaking-all.

Then, I notice that I'm the youngest person awaiting the fate of our sleep study attendants to come and get us. Uh oh. I don't mean by a few years...I mean by decades. We're retrieved and asked to walk single file, down the longest hall in the history of any hospital. Seriously, I think Sam and Frodo made it to get rid of that damn ring faster. One of the guys behind me is already asking for a wheelchair and dude brought a mini-cooler! This does not help my panic. I'm guessing if one of the octogenarians that I'm to be spending the night with drops dead, at least we are at the hospital. If it's wheelchair dude, dibs on the mini cooler.

Our attendents split us off into groups and put us in rooms to ourselves...which is a great relief because one of my fears is that I'll be sleeping in a big room with other people and therefor subjected to more bodies/eyes/witnesses.

Torture...err..sleep room

Instead I end up here. Which looks all nice, until you notice that it smells funky. Not hospital, antiseptic funny...musty mildewing funny. And then theres the fact that it's barely a concealed hospital room equipment. Uh huh. I'd have slept better if you made it what it is...a hospital room.

So I'm told to settle in and my nurse, Lynn, will be back to hook me up for the night. Notice those long wires across the bed? Yeah...that's what she means. so I do the only logical thing I can think of. I hide all my assumed contraband (snacks, water, meds) with my back to the camera that I'm sure is watching my every move, hide in the bathroom and change into 2 layers of clothes and try to act all chill and watch tv.

Which, by the way, I can't figure out how to work. Neither can Lynn, so I don't feel completely stupid. Ok, I do feel completely stupid but she works here for chrissake, so I'm at least a step up!

There are no towels in the room...or the bathroom..or soap. Damn. The one thing I didn't prepare for. I ask for water and I get a cup small enough to give to a child. Which just makes me more thirsty. So now, not only do I have to wipe wet hands on my PJ's when I wash them without soap (EW), but I'm going to have to repeatedly fill my miniscule glass up at the bathroom sink. I try not to think of what the pipes must look like if the room smells this way.

Lynn comes back at has me drop electrodes down my pants (not like that, you pervs!) and then starts attaching things everywhere...and I do mean everywhere. I didn't freak when the belt strapped around my upper chest, or even around my waist..or the elctrodes that went into my hair with some icky gel substance. But the one on my chin and neck nearly made me come undone. Meanwhile, Lynn is chattering away and I'm practically sitting on my hands to keep from ripping every wire off and running out the door.

Oh-so-thrilled-electroded-me

Yep. I can totally see how this is going to be restful.

Lynn leaves me to rest with the instructions that I cannot lay on the bed (apparently the pretty covers and pillows are decorative only...do not make me think of when they were washed last. please.) and comes back in about 30 mins to "strap me in for the night". Turns out, theres a nose piece too and that little red ET-esq thing they put on your finger to take your pulse gets taped onto one of my fingers.

Fabulous. Lets hope I don't pick my nose in my sleep. Let's hope the person before me didn't either.

Then Lynn says two things that terrify me more than anything else has.
1. They are planning on keeping me the next day for a series of nap tests....this is to test and see if I'm Narcoleptic (more on this in a moment) if I don't show any apneic events during the night.
2. If I need anything, I can just speak into the room and Lynn will answer me.

1....ummm...What the ever loving fuck!?!?! So if I DON'T stop breathing, I am stuck here? Did ya'll not read my paperwork AT FREAKING ALL?!?! I'm not narcoleptic..I DONT SLEEP...I don't nap unless I'm sick and I am NOT wasting my friday off being in a smelly room with nothing to do for 2 hours only to be told to sleep for 30 mins and woken back up if I do. Again. And Again.

2...Effin Hell, that's creepy as fuck. You're name is not Siri and I don't have an Iphone. Yeah, yeah, I know it's what I'm signed up for but dude...weird. Can't I push a button like a normal hospital room?

And of course I have to test it. Lynn is gone 10 mins when I call her name and sure enough, she answers over the intercom, creeping me the fuck out. What I neglected to find out before she left was I have to call for Lynn each and every time I get out of bed. Lynn, my dear, we are in for a very long night.

The second time I call Lynns name, it's for an entirely different reason. The electrodes behind my ears and under my neck are burning. I'm fairly certain that in my illogical brain head, this means that the wires will catch fire and I will somehow combust. Lynn however tells me, ever so nonchalantly, that the gel they use is abrasive and "we have to remove the 1st layer of skin".

Oh boy. Nighty, Night now!

Lynn is called multiple times during the night and poor dear, has to suffer through my neurosis of having to brush my teeth each time I get up to pee. Which is a lot. By 3am (and the 5th time I called her, I think), Lynn is telling me there are not very many apneic events and can I try to sleep on my back because they occur more often this way. Well sure, even though I never sleep on my back, why the hell not. Because poor Lynn sounds as tired as I am, and a part of me feels bad for her having to sit and watch people like me sleep all night. Which makes me wonder who the hell imagines doing that when they grow up?
"Mommy! I want to watch people sleep at night!" 
"OK little Jimmy, you can either be a sleep apnea tech or a stalker. Your choice! We support and love your dreams, little Jimmy!" 

And that is where the nightmare that I've been trying to force myself not to have all night, hit full force. I don't know what their electrodes record but if they could have seen this one, I might have made a mint in the horror movie business  Or they would have run screaming from their jobs...or locked me away...quite possibly, all three.

And of course, that's when I stop breathing. I'm told later on that I have a mild form of sleep apnea but that it increases dramatically when I fall into a deep sleep...which isn't much or often. No shit, Sherlock. What part of "I have nightmares" did you miss? Ever tried to breath normally when your brain has convinced you that you are talking to another form of yourself sitting in the exact same hospital bed while they are tortured in ways that make the Saw movies look tame? How about when your nightmares often leave you grasping at reality as to if your loved ones have really died and you either wake them up in a panic to make sure they're alive or sit in the dark crying and waiting on each of them to wake up, check in and be ok?

Whatever it was, they let me unstrap and go home after my breakfast of starch, starch & starch with a side of milk (again..lactose intolerant). I feel sorry for the little nurse who tried to help me find my way out of the hospital...because she was trying to be nice and tell me the easiest way to my car and by that point I was panicked and needed to be out of the building no matter where it put me.

The REALLY good news? They want me to do another one.....

Emotional Vomit

http://www.saatchionline.com/art/Painting-Oil-Evolution-of-Camouflage/85669/1429336/view

Most likely, this is somewhat cheating. Mostly because I need to write but I don't need to write this where anyone else can see it. I just need to vomit up all the bullshit i'm dealing with and focus it entirely on myself without recognizing what anyone else has to do with it at the moment. Luckily, most of the  people I love avoid this space so I can spew without affecting them.
Selfish? Yep. Necessary?  yes.


I'm tired. not tired like a little bit, like bone jarring tired. I'm tired to the point that all I want to do is cry. And I can't and I wont because gawd forbid if I needed to fall apart.

Sleep isn't really a good option at the moment. See, I have insomnia on a GOOD day. Yep, i have prescription meds to help me sleep but they leave me incapacitated for 8+ hours and groggy the next day. I have OTC meds too but that doesnt help when you have a kid waking you up every 2 hours. But I also have 3 people at the house that are currently either taking sleep medication, dealing with health issues and/or are incapable of driving. So even if I COULD take the prescription medication I need to sleep, I cant.

Oh, did I mention I'm also in the process of moving? Yeah. Boxes everywhere as far as the eye can see. Attempting to coordinate a move that is less than 500 feet but includes 4 people and an entire house is maddening on a good day. But I live with princesses.

And it would be simple if the people I live with were easy to deal with where moving is concerned but they arent. Gawds forbid they have to go even ONE NIGHT without their precious directv satelites or ONE DAY without all the comforts of home. One can't sleep in a bedroom with empty walls, another wont spend the day there without the TV much less any of the 3 of them sleeping without one.

Did I mention that means moving 3 beds, 3 dressers, 3 tv's & 3 boxes by myself in 1 fucking day? Because 2 of the 3 people who live with me are incapable of lifting anything and the other one is 11.

Or that I have to do it on a weekend while moving the rest of the house or deal with living in 2 spaces. Argh!

Meanwhile, Im working full time, juggling all the various installations and deliveries for everything and walk through for house stuff, closing schedules and lawyer appointments.

Oh and theres the emotional turmoil of 2 other people whom I love and trying to balance all of that through packing, moving and working. And cooking dinner, making breakfasts, lunches and not pulling my hair out. I have a friend who needs to talk who i havent had time for, another with knee surgery that I'm supposed to teach 2 classes for this weekend. There's the very serious medical issues with the teenager, the even more serious issues with the teenagers new boyfriend, the changing to homeschooling because she cant handle the drama with the teengirls and the waiting for the other girls father to call us with an estimate of how much it will cost to repaint a 45th edition classic mustang that she accused of keying OR take our chances with court and her having a record. Theres the partner whose medication make him talk and talk and talk who can't control it and physically has to restrain himself from talking just so I can sleep.

I've worried my top lip so much that I now look like a Griffin it's so beaked.

I'm not the only one in this. But truth is I'm tired of hearing about everyone else. I'm tired of listening. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of everyone elses needs and wants and desires. I know it's like standing in the middle of the room and screaming "ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!" but today, right now, this moment, I can't help it. I'm tired of being selfless, or I'm tired of pretending I am trying to be.

I fully accept that most of this is my choice. I am in this. I have created this. I know. My fault.
But I want someone else to take control, tell me "no. Don't worry, I've got this" and be able to believe them for just 5 minutes while I fall apart. I need someone to listen without interjecting how this affects them and making me shut down all of my feelings because I have to deal with how this affects them. Because yes, I realize that this isn't all about me, and yes I know that you're dealing with life too but for fucks sake don't I get just one moment, ever?

I'm so tired.

3 Questions

From Danille LaPorte

3 questions for easier living.

1. Out of what needs to be done in your life — work, household, creativity –what do you do best?

Creativity for sure. I manage on housework but find it tedious more often than not. I'd rather cook the meal than clean up after it. 

2. What space do you have access to — in your home, work, city — that makes you feel the most peaceful and/or inspired?

The labyrinth at a local church. Really, Labyrinths in general. I've never been inside the church and have no desire to go but I was thrilled to learn the labyrinth was there. 

There's also a deeper connection to nature and outside in general. Mostly I go where I'm drawn. Sometimes it's the woods, sometimes its seeking out moving water. 

3. What are you doing that you resent, and how can you phase out of that?

Heh...lots of things. 

1.  Not making/taking time for myself. 
2. Taking on too much & becoming overwhelmed. (See above)
3. Not getting enough sleep/exercise/quiet. 
4. Eating CRAP food (i.e. quick, easy, cheap, pointless)
5. Judging my current self with past versions of myself or what I think should be current versions of myself. 

Phase out...well, I'm not sure. I'm working on it but by far, these are not easy tasks. 

Working Wednesday

Busy busy busy

The house we're building (and by building, I mean having someone else do it) is coming along. We've run into a few issues that (thank the gawd!) my father has caught before they became a majob problem...issues like, oh, the slab was poured unlevel (mostly because the workers were left unsupervised and got a few beers on the job) and now its not square. So framing has been pushed back and pushed back. Grrr but nothing to do but make sure it's right the first time. I am so very very grateful that my dad is there, checking in on things and making sure it's correct...and that he knows what that means because we are all at a loss. I'm keeping copious amounts of notes. 

I started doing this Zumba Routine this morning. Don't laugh. Yes, I look like an idiot and no, no one was watching me. I usually scoff at the whole zumba thing because it's way too complicated and choreographed for me to buy into it. Especially at 5 am. But this one was simple enough (i thought!) Holy crap my arms hurt! 

And no, I still do not think I need to be doing this in public. Anywhere. Ever. 

I'm still working on the health kick. It's not easy but then I don't suppose it's supposed to be. I see my dr. at the end of the month and I really really really want there to be enough progress that he's encouraging about blood pressure etc. I truly don't give a rats pa-toot about my weight but my knees and blood pressure sure seem to and therefore I must pay attention. 

I spend more time on Pinterest than I probably should. But it keeps me sane..well..it keeps me from killing people, so that counts, right? Where else can I horde  collect everything from recipes to quirky little saying that make me laugh? 

I read an entire book last night in one sitting. This is saying something for me. I'm late to the show in reading The Hunger Games. I liked the first book but I'm not sure I want to read the others. Something about the post-apocalyptic fight-for-your-life "game" made me think too much of reality tv and how much I dislike it. 

The boy has me listening to this lately. Love it.

Other than that:

• Quote journals
• Getting kids ready for back to school (woohoo! 6th & 10th grades!)
• Uncovering why it is that I am incapable of keeping a pair of scissors. Seriously. This is getting to the point of ridiculous. 
• Reciprocal letters with the youngest munchkin in which she asks me how to spell the word put (originally it was "pute" from her), draws me pictures of trees against purple skies, and asks important questions like "who made G-d" that I have to defer to others for information on. That kid amazes me. 

YOUR NUMBER OF THE DAY IS 5 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012: Maintain flexibility today, because your plans may change more than once. Your intuition can't be beat, so don't be afraid to rely on it and to be decisive. It's a wonderful day for social interaction.

Via Numerology.com

july 25

july 25, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

july 24

july 24, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

Works in progress

Wednesday! Time for the list of things I'm working on...mostly because it's a way to distract me from the things I SHOULD be working on but don't want to.

• FIGS! The fig tree I remember from my childhood has started producing again...not tons..but enough! So every afternoon, I go pick figs. By the time the next morning rolls around they're all gone because the kids LOVE them! 
• I've got to put the finishing touches on a sign I made for my favorite campground Whispering Oaks. My long time friends own and run it..and they have this teeeeeeennnny sign that people coming in can barely find. Since we're visiting this weekend, I wanted to make them one they could have for years to come. Pics when I can get them up! They've also been visited by tragedy in the form of lightning hitting their mess hall and burning it to the ground. This is the 4th time they've recovered from fires since I've known them...it's just shocking! Thankfully, no one was hurt! But they're due some goodness so I've searched and found a pair of shoes that dona lost in the last fire..I can't wait to see the look on her face when I give them to her. :)
• Nic's headed to NY next week so we have to do some packing to get ready to go. The eldest munchkin is headed to the beach with a friend. I'll probably send the youngest munchkin off because I'm looking forward to a week somewhat by myself that to be honest, is WAY overdue. 

Off to eat lunch...

think

think, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

Art Journal Updates

I don't generally share my art journals. But I'm quite happy with how some of them have been turning out lately so here you go if you're interested. Forgive the crappy pictures..I'm afraid I have to use my cell phone for them because I have to do it when I think about it or it wont happen. 

This one is still a work in progress. Something needs to be added but whatever it is, it hasn't presented itself to me as of yet. Scattered-July 2012

I'm fairly certain I'm finished with this it..it was a journal prompt from someone else so I can't say that I was as dedicated to the subject matter as I should have been. Ah well. Seeking Grace -July 2012

I really hate that the pictures don't come through very well. The textures and colors in this one are great. 

Angry Feb 2012

 This one is my favorite so far this year. It's very dark and the meaning behind it was fitting at the time. It's one that I worked on at 4am when I couldnt sleep, hiding in the bathtub so that I didn't disturb anyone. 

Impossible Bend April 2012

 Again, the picture doesnt do it justice. This one is more personal in many many ways...

Need Feb 2012

There's another side to this one..I usually make open faced collages. But this was the only side I was willing to share right now. 

Self June 2012

Ticked off Thursday

I'm irritated (HA!) this morning (still)..no, I should say, I've been irritated all night (evening too!) and it has bled (too bad not literally) over into this morning (fucker).

So rather than spew garbage (truth) of no consequence (no one else would care) here (which I'm not allowed to do anyway) about what led (drove/started/pushed) me to this (My own pig-headed stubbornness), I'm going to say...

"Have a lovely Thursday!"


and go take a fucking pill.

small wreath

small wreath, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

the funny things i find my hands do while talking on the phone.

Working Wednesday

I really really need to find my coupon book. The awesome Melissa who coupons more than I do, but not enough to be "extreme" reminds me of this when we talk shop, family, kids and shopping. I was so good at it for a few months then it all went to hell.
Also, I actually used my coupons that they give me at CVS yesterday for the first time ever and I was super impressed with the results.

Hopefully, at some point this week, we'll have paperwork done and be setting a date to break ground on our new house. It's exciting, it's frighting and I can't wait. They told us the paper work takes the most time, but I've been adamantly bugging the hell out of them about it. Of course the nearly constant afternoon thunderstorms that rip the plastic holding my roof together each evening don't help my patience. Then I'll get to be all domestic and do all the things I want to do to my house. Well, eventually. LOL

I've been working on my quote journal again. A few years ago, I was on a swap and I was lucky enough that someone I knew, the lovely hisnamaste, got my name. She sent me a beautiful journal that she had decorated and began filling it with quotes, poems and little bits of this and that as I collected them. It's rather full now and I wonder what I'll do with it when it's done.

I keep getting the urge to quilt. I think it's a craft to do later though...perhaps when it's not 104 degrees out.

The book Miss Peregrines Home For Peculiar Children is currently waiting to be read. Perhaps this weekend...

And I have the idea of making a sign for a friends camp ground. They've been hit hard by fires ever since I've known them, the latest one taking the mess hall at the camp ground. I think a hand crafted sign is in good need. I already have a surprise for her coming..a replacement pair of one of the UGLIEST pair of shoes she ever tortured me with that burned in the last fire! Haha She loved those darn shoes...mostly because I thought they were hideous I think.

Other than that...

Thinky Thursday is Thinky

I recognize and accept that I am currently going through a rather icky stage of depression.

There, I said it. I hate it, but I said it. I could throw it out the window, throw on my happy face and fake it (again) but I know it will still be there when no one is looking. It will still creep in and smother me when it can. It will still cause me to stop writing/posting/talking to friends and family because everything I say seems dark and depressive and I HATE that.

See, I tend to be the strong one. I'm the one they lean on, which is great..really. I love that I play that role in the lives of friends and family. And they're all there for me too...but I don't lean well...or easily. I'll sacrifice my own needs (Usually) and my wants (just about always). I have limited concept of "time to myself" (I'm a mom FFS!! We never do!) and even less "space of my own". No, that won't change with the new house... finances and necessity require other things. I've often said that if you add up all the things I have to do, the people I expend energy caring for and dealing with, the work, the loves, teh kids, the house...there aren't enough hours in the day...and the easiest thing to subtract will always be me. But the truth is, I'm my own worst detriment.

It's my own fault..and even though I feel this way, I know at lease one or more people will read this and feel bad for leaning on me. So again..I WOULDN'T CHANGE THAT. Please, for heavens sake, don't take this personally because if you do, I swear, it will make this worse for me.

One of the blogs I read by the awesome Blogess, Jenny Lawson likes to use the motto "Depression Lies". Logically, that's true. I know it's true. I also know depression is a smooth talking motherfucker with a silver tongue that he likes to slip down your throat while he's slow dancing you around a dance floor of broken mirrors before you realize it's choking you. He'll keep you mesmerized with his gaze so that you don't notice that your feet are bleeding and that the rubies he's dangling in front of your eyes are drops of your own blood until it's too late. Depression does lie...but he's damn good at it.

In theory, I should be happy go lucky me. I have a (even though it's somewhat leaky) roof over my head, food in my stomach (Often too much as evidenced by the entire box of oreos I ate last night in an emotional eating mess), a car that goes from a to b and a job that pays for it all...usually. I have two beautiful children who despite driving me crazy, are great kids. I have two wonderful loves who compliment and support two sides of me. I have an excellent family and a fabulous extended family. I'm in mostly good health. The kids are ok. The partners both have health issues but we're dealing with that as we can. Does it all add? Yes. Would I change it? Only parts.

But I wake up wanting to cry most days right now and depression kicks up my anxiety...which makes me a control freak (Yeah. even more so) and causes the depression to worsen..and on and on and on.
I fix where I can. I deal where I have to. I keep my mouth shut and try not to take things personally. Doesn't always work but I've learned to be rather adept with that one. I smile and nod, I forget my worries and deal with kids, work, family home. I'm not different than anyone else...I'm just good at faking it.

Melissa's pie

melissa pie, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

A banana split personal sized cake for the awesome Melissa's birthday!

Melissa and I don't go way back..we actually met at work. She tells me I was intimidating as hell when she came in to interview! LOL But once we found the things we had in common (unruly lives, GLBTQ rights, limited use for bullshit and a Love of pinterest!) we became fast friends.

She made the flowers for my wedding, coordinated another friend making the wedding cake and even packed a cooler with champagne and two plastic flutes for us!

So a few months back, she tells me this funny story about having asked for a banana split cake for her birthday for 9 years. FYI, they don't really MAKE banana split cakes unless you pre-order them. Plus I know Melissa has been hella good at eating healthy so making her a full sized cake wasn't an option.

BUT...I rarely forget things like this so I made the above version..her own personal sized banana split cake...Ben & Jerrys Banana split Ice cream in a graham mini pie crust with magic shell, a cherry and a split banana!

Melissa blogs over at Baby Perdomo about her cutie patootie daughter, her awesome husband and various other things! Go read!

Monday

Well, the weekend was nothing if not entertaining.

The Bear made it through surgery fine and was the picture of an excellent patient. I am most grateful for this, knowing that I myself, am a terrible patient in so many ways. I survived the weekend with his parental units, a little worse for wear, but all in all, a pleasurable time.  His mother made me happy telling me how much it shows that we love each other and with "oooohhss!" & "ahhhhs!" over the house plans. 


My darling husband was nice enough to send me on my way even though we had a munchkin with chicken pox, and him never having had them. At one point I called and he had 5 children in the house..Masochist or Insanity? You decide. 

Random other things:

• This (From Random Pictures) made me laugh this morning. 
• We now have a full count of relatives over 70 who have or want to read the 50 shades of Gray series. *shudders*
• I laughed at the bears parents serious mistrust of any vegetable that does not primarily consist of starch this weekend. The conversation went much like this:
• Me: I'll get the Broccoli
• Mom: B said she wanted Broccoli with the pork roast..I cant find a good roast so I'm going to make spaghetti and meatballs. 
• Me: Ok, what do you normally make with spaghetti.
• Mom: Pasta. 
• Me: ---------------
• The eldest munchkin is finishing up summer school today and tomorrow. I pray she passes. 
• We watched "Mirror Mirror" (cute movie, glad I waited for home rental though) and "Hugo" (Very strange..there was little to no follow through with any of the plot lines) this weekend. 
• To Do list:
• Find location and time of fireworks this year
• Upload all of the kids school calender info
• Check on house paperwork progress
• Make copies and mail legal  paperwork
• Find coupon notebook and reorganize (I've slacked here to a horrible degree)
• RE-pack SELF things in van for returning to their yearly home. I have to get them out of my shed.
• Try to go to bed at a decent hour so that you can actually follow through with waking up and exercising. I am fail at this lately. 
• Finish Mennonite in a little black dress so that I can give it to the Bears mom next weekend when I'm there. 

Meanwhile..work time. 

No time for thoughtfulness today! I'm headed to the hospital soon with the bear and his parents for them to reconstruct his knee.
Wish us luck!

Working Wednesday

Since I have the next few days off in order to take care of the boy after knee surgery, I'm going to have some time on my hands! I'm looking forward to it because the journaling bug has been biting at my butt the last few days. Let's just hope that between that and the book I'm reading, that his parents don't drive us both nuts! Haha
So, In no particular order:

• Finish backlog of art journal pages from earlier this year that I've been too busy to make. 
• Complete the surprises I have been making for a certain little bears birthday that's in a week. 
• Work on Quote Journal...I haven't messed with this one in a while. 
• Reading Mennonite in a little black dress
• And of course, I want to add to all the random stuff I've Pinned lately on Pinterest! I really need to find a few that I can do soon. :) FYI, No, the camo/orange stuff is NOT mine..it's for the eldest munchkin who wants to decorate her room that way. *insert groan here*

Aries' Horoscope (Mar 21 - Apr 19) From Twittascope.com

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 - Don't work harder today than is necessary or you could overdo it and exhaust yourself. The gentle Libra Moon means that grace counts more now than brute force, so let your senses be your guide. Flow with the emotional tides, instead of struggling against them. Creativity, rather than productivity, is the business of the day.

(Bwahahaha ok this one made me laugh only because I'm already irritated this morning due to Work BS...hopefully the creativity will kick in though.)

YOUR NUMBER OF THE DAY IS 4 From Numerology.com

Wednesday, June 27, 2012: Today could be demanding and somewhat frustrating as you find yourself engaged in routine affairs. Focus on organizing your world and opportunity will follow. It's a great day to consider investing in long-term endeavors. Don't let disagreements with a loved one regarding money ruin your day.

Monday Morning Madness

This weekend was killer in lots of ways. So a wrap up, a to do list and lots of random things..

• Spent friday with my guys trying to plan housing around teeny tiny little paint/counter/wall swatches and being totally lost to the process the majority of the time. Then racing to get one kid, make it to the courthouse for land deed handling and then racing back for softball all stars game. 
• I let some one else's bad parenting make me loose my temper Friday evening. It wouldn't have affected me so badly had it not been MY child. When I found out her father didn't bother to feed her dinner before a softball game, I was mad. When He tried to convince me that not eating was GOOD for her, I was livid. She got there at 6:15pm, the game was supposed to start at 7:30pm and at 8pm when it still hadn't started, she was hungry already.
• The Munchkins team lost 2 games over friday and saturday evening but they played their best and left us all very very proud of them. 
• It is still difficult to deal with someone's anger & hurt when you love them when their words are directed at you. 
• This week will see me in Atlanta, helping the boy (mostly against his will, I'm sure) as he deals with being incapacitated from knee surgery and wrangling his parents. It should be quite interesting, considering I've met them only once before and spent very little time with them. 
• Which reminds me..I have to pack..
• My aching joints, twitching bedpartner, & fighting cats kept me up most of the night. Lack of sleep made me hit snooze a lot. UGH. 
• I woke up saturday after sleeping in (blissfully) to the sound of both of them laughing and watching tv together. I smiled and thought how easily I could get used to that. 
• We walked out under a cheshire cat smile moon on saturday and stood in the middle of where the living room will be together. It's nice to know we're all going to be home soon. 

Time to bring home the bacon...

Working Wednesday

Things I'm working on this week:

Today happens to be Summer Solstice..so my evening after work will be spent at the labyrinth walking & journaling. I don't see myself as religious, but as spiritual. Solstices & Equinox's have become grounding points for me throughout the year and I try to do this, or something to recognize them where ever I am.

In general, I need to get back to my journal. It comes and goes in phases, but it always helps when I take the time to remember it helps.

Friday we have an appointment to go and deal with house things. I'm excited and nervous.

Friday also starts what could be a 5 day softball tournament for the munchkin..she made all stars and has been practicing every day since. So the weekend plans are dependent on game schedules.

I've been very lax in my exercising over the past few months, with sleep being more important when I could grab it at all. So this week has seen me start back to the daily work and next week (hopefully) will see me start back on the morning workouts. Gawds but 5am comes early!

What's planned for your week?

game shoes

game shoes, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

perfect softball watching shoes.

First EVER Follow Friday

Ok, first off....yes, the things linked here will quite often be NSFW or younger people etc. etc. All adults? Ok then...

Sex Stuff

I am in LOVE with Liberator's new harnesses, the Valkyrie line. And FYI, no, the don't pay me to say these things..I bought one and was gifted another while at SELF 17 this past weekend. OMG they are awesome! 

Also the Aloe Cadabra lubricant is JUST what it is advertised as...we ended up with vanilla scented (pun intended haha) If you hate the stickyness of most lubes you will love this. 

If it's your type of thing..go. buy. have fun..and tell them I sent you because they are super nice people.

Things & Stuff
Corset Story is my new favorite shop to envy and stalk. I'm one of those people that if given the chance, I'll wear a corset...I only wish they were less shocking in small town alabama! Haha They have fabulously made coresets at great prices and omg omg omg do they have great sales!

THIS is one of the best ideas I've ever seen. I am constantly fighting a battle with cleaning my fridge (Kids, arm issues with the spouse & rushing = spills & messes). I'll be doing that this weekend.

Ok..off to do other stuffs...

I'm a very bad blogger. Yes, yes, I know..Not like I don't have 9,217 other things going on in my life right now, right? It's not that I don't WANT to write..I'm just..yeah. Time.. always time..

I'm always enthralled by blogs in which people devote themselves to one particular medium...lists, a photo a day, etc...but there's something about the same thing, day after day after day that both draws me in and repels me. I will go on kicks where I eat the same food every day for MONTHS, but then I forget it or I loose interest and it's gone for a while. I'm the same way with creative endeavors. I cook, I write, I sew, I paint, I journal, I bead...I get bored and something else comes along..OOHH SHINY!

For the last 5 years, the majority of my creative energy has been fed into an event that I worked for. At the end of the event this year, I quit. It wasn't a "HELL YES!" anymore..it was an "Awww...hell!" and sometimes a "Oh HELL no!". So I quit..at it's one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever had to do because while I had grown to hate the job in so many ways, I loved it in so many ways as well.

But much like with most things..I'll begin anew. Here. Now.
Unless otherwise enthralled, I'm going to try to post the following patterns:

• Monday Morning Madness: Wrap up of the weekend, list of things to do..craziness in my everyday life.
• Take a Picture Tuesday: Theoretically, this should be easy..in practice, I tend to forget.
• Working Wednesdays: Inspired by w Friend, Just Write and So Gay's, Blog a list of the things I'm working on currently..since I can't seem to stick to one!
• Thoughtful Thursday: Thinking things that are thoughtful...LOOK! I made todays! Woot!
• Follow Me Fridays: Fun, interesting people you should read and follow...if I'm here, because lets be honest, unless I'm chained to a desk for 9+ hours a day..I'm NOT at a computer. 

Here we go....

Cost

Nothing will stop a mother in her tracks faster than a scared voice on the other end of the phone saying "Momma, I need you."

Yesterday, on my way home, in the middle of a freak out over having to deal with something I work on that's behind schedule...in the middle of tears and swearing.... my 15 year old daughter called me to tell me that her boyfriends mother had died. Her boyfriend is almost 16 and his mother was just 36.

My world stopped on those 4 words.."Momma..I need you."

See, I love what I do. I help and/or run volunteers for two fairly big alternative lifestyle events in the South East...on top of about 53 other things yearly (not counting, home, actual work, kids, family etc etc).  I have a passion for it and it gives me massive amounts of pleasure even when it's frustrating and tiring. I love working with the volunteers and they give me back so much, most of the time without even realizing that they make it worth my while. I don't do this work because it pays a dime, I do it because I love it. If I actually calculated the hours, days, weeks, months I put into what I do, the numbers would be astronomical. I don't say this to brag..I'm not big on the recognition and part of the reason I love what I do is that it's behind the scenes. No, I'm not the only one who does things because gawd knows it's takes a lot of us to get it all done.

But lately the actual cost of what I do has taken it's toll on me. I've allowed and accepted things that are costing me dearly, in ways most people don't seem to realize. It's easy to do really, because for one, I make it LOOK easy (or so I'm told), I rarely (if ever) say NO and Just because someone says "I need X to happen." they don't always realize that A through W has to happen first to make X even possible..and even if they do, they usually have their own alphabet soup of things to get done too and don't have the time or capability of worrying about yours.

But it doesn't really matter what I do...what matters is what it's costing me.

I've missed my 11 year old softball games because I had too much work to do.
I've missed conversations with my 15 year old because I had a phone conference.
I can't tell you the last time I went to bed with my husband instead of after him...Hours after him usually.
I've lost weekends with my boy and my girl because of the work I've had to get done and couldn't leave the house or because my head was somewhere else.
I've sacrificed more sleep than most people can imagine and far more than is healthy for me.
I've gotten sick from it.
I've cried over it.
I loose parts of my house for months at a time.
I stop cleaning because I don't have the time or the energy.
I stop serving because I don't have the time or the energy.
I've sacrificed the stability of my job, choosing to do conference work while on the clock so maybe, just maybe, I don't have to take that time away from my family later on that evening.
I've spent days, literally, covered in paint and glue, sweat and tears.
From January until June, every year, I am owned by this. By the time May is here, I don't even try to plan anything because everything takes back seat to what I do.

And yet, when I'm told that someone else can or will pick up the slack, it rarely if ever, happens.

Note: I started this and never finished it because it had me in tears the entire time. Now that the event is over and I've resigned my position, I thought it best to come back and hit "publish". I've done whats best for myself and my family...and I am content with that. 

cherry tree

cherry tree, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

This project has been the bane of my existence for the last two years. 

Last year, we wanted to build a cherry tree for SELF. Well ok...I wanted to build a tree....the idea itself is one we borrowed.  The idea is that people use the little cherry shaped slips of paper to write things they want while at our event...someone to go to class with, someone for dinner, someone to teach them to do something...and hang them on the tree. Someone else comes along and says "Hey! I can do that!" and Viola! Connection. We like connections. 

Last years tree was a conglomeration of an outside umbrella stand, a broken shade umbrella, a LOT of paper and about 4 hours of me cursing it while trying to build it. It was unsteady, but it was a huge hit. 

This year, I was tasked with not one tree, but TWO. I wanted to cry. Not only that but it needed to be movable. *eyetwitch*

So after about 3 hours in home depot and a lot of fussing..the tree was made. BTW, did you know that searching for ways to make stage prop trees is nearly IMPOSSIBLE!?!?! Especially 3- D Trees. And once again, my Dad, Mr. Jack-of-all-trades, stepped in and told me how to fix the issues I was having...like the limbs staying up and how to stop using hundreds of rolls of paper to make this happen only to throw it away after 4 days. The little basket is to hold the blank cherries for everyone to tie they're wishes to. 


It's PVC pipe, covered in foam spary insulation and then painted. and darn it..it looks like a dang tree!


The top is a little rough still but I'm going to work on that when we have more green ribbon. The best part? It's not only MOVEABLE, it's sustainable and it breaks down into a few pieces and is easily stored. 


I think I'll take pics as I go along with the construction of the other one...maybe I'll post it to E-how or indestructible...because really..everyone should have access on how to build a darn tree if they need one without cutting one down. I'm no George Washington. 


I am very freaking proud of my tree. 

tall & the F&*#ed up BMI

tall, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

This is my 11 year old, Miranda, standing next to my partner, Frankie after her softball game. While yes, Frankie is rather on the short side (much like me), Miranda on the other hand is freaking tall. She gets a kick out of comparing her height to Frankie's every time she gets to see him. I think they are pretty darn close (Because I know Frankie normally wears shoes with thick soles) but he says she has an inch to go. Miranda is the tallest kid in her class and has been since 2nd grade. She doesn't have a problem with this and she likes being tall. 

She's 5'1" tall and when she went to the Dr for her check up, the Dr told her she was overweight by 20 pounds. Her step mom took her..because had I been there the Dr and I would have had WORDS. 

Miranda plays ball. And when I tell you she plays ball I mean she plays Hard. She doesn't have much natural talent but she makes up for it in heart. She needs to have energy to play and that comes from food. We don't eat out much and even when we do, she likes healthy food because that's what we eat at home and she likes it. She likes fruits and veggies, doesn't drink very much soda and sports drinks are for games only. 


Her coach loves that no matter what she tells Miranda to do, she does it, without question and immediately. When her coach gave them a verbal check list of the way they needed to be dressed for games, Miranda went home, made a list and checks it off each time she gets dressed. Right down to her shoes being double knotted. Then she shows up and expects her coach to inspect her uniform. LOL If she has forgotten something, even something so simple as a signed paper, she freaks. 


She thrives on schedule, consistency and clear concise instructions. We're suggesting a military career but she's hesitant about that because she doesn't want to have to learn to shoot a gun. She's asked me to look into branches that wouldn't require that. 

But my kid is a little neurotic. If someone tells her she has to do something, or something is wrong, she obsesses over it like you would not believe. She makes lists of how to deal with this. She asks daily how much sweets she can have...that includes fruit...and what time she should be in bed by even on weekends. We left her home for a evening alone and instead of taking advantage and eating more candy or staying up late when she totally could have gotten away with it, she called me asking the same things. 


And now, thanks to an out dated BMI scale and a Dr. with no idea what this kid does on a daily basis and didn't bother to ask, she has her first issue with her weight. She whispered it to me through the dug out fence, covered in dirt where she just slid home; sweaty and tired from playing for an hour and a half on a school night. 


I am going to go home today and paint on my bathroom scale "You are so much more than just a number on a scale. This scale doesn't weigh your loving heart, your intelligent mind, or your sparkling personality."Just in case she gets on it.  I am going to paint "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" On the bathroom mirror so she see's it every time she looks at it.  I'm going to paint "Good Food is good for you. Eat when you are hungry." On the fridge because it is full of food that is good for her. 


Then I am going to fire her doctor. 

Unconventional Mothers

I don't really much write about mothers day. Not because it's not celebrated, but more because it's one of those small holidays that mostly get's lost around our little family. It warrants a card and sometimes it warrants going out to dinner but not much else.

You see my mother, while wonderful in her own right, is a bit odd. She was 17 when I was born and most of my life, I spent being HER parent more than she spent being mine. She was the "cool" mom..the one who let me throw parties as a teenager when my father was out of town. Parties that she supplied the alcohol for underage teenagers for most of the time and didn't blink an eye at when we imbibed in less legal activities. She helped me sneak out of the house (Is it really sneaking out when a parent knows where you're going?).

She wasn't the best role model. She lied a lot, she stole, even from my father. She taught us to lie as if it were second nature. I watched her get arrested twice, calling my father each time to come home from a 7 day a week job to get her out of jail. She had a shopping problem and wasn't good with money so she would take checks from him, forge them and bounce them. She couldnt keep a steady job most of the time. She cheated on him. A lot. Most of the time she forgot to give us lunch money and she never signed report cards or notes...so much so that when I graduated High School and moved away my mother signed my sisters progress report for the first time in years and was called about it being forged.

Still, she is my mother. She did eventually grow up...at least a bit more. You see my mother, much like her mother and all the women in my family except me, did the same thing most women do...they attempted to stop their lives when they had kids and lived through their children. But children grow up and leave and then the mothers are left empty and alone. She slightly lost it at that point.  When I was 22 my father finally caught her cheating (he knew for years but this was in his face) and they divorced for 3 months. She stopped talking to all of us. She was late to thanksgiving dinner (blasphemy in our family) and my great grandma made me lock the door so she had to ring the bell. They got back together and she changed in many ways.

 She's still the town gossip and you don't share secrets with her or expect her not to tell the world. She still talks about her sex life or sex in general like we're discussing the weather. She can't cook unless it's friend chicken and sometimes that's questionable. She can always be counted on for babysitting, helping with anything and talking in third person. Which drives me crazy but that's just the way she's always been. She gives directions with words like "yonder", "right past the red barn" and by referring to locations that haven't existed since before I was born (do you know how hard it is to find the stock yard that burned 4 years before you were born?!?!?). She talks about people I don't know, or don't remember as if they are common knowledge to me. She can't be trusted with a checkbook and she still often borrows money from us because she's forgotten to pay a bill and my Dad will kill her if the lights get turned off. Often this bill is unpaid because she spent the money buying clothes or things she doesn't need or can't wear. You can't trust half of what she says, she twists things around and sometimes she's as two faced as they come.
And when she get's drunk, she's a flirt..even with my partners. But flirting is as far as it goes now.

But my mom can rope cows and bale hay. She knows how to drive a tractor and she can grow a garden better than anyone...something I so wish I picked up. She's crafty and she decorates beautifully even if it's  other peoples houses that she works for. She makes new flower arrangements to put on the family graves for every season. She taught me to change a tire, but never taught me to apply mascara. She's the one I call when i need help moving heavy things because my dad has a bad back and my husband has bad arms...my mom is built short, stocky and strong..just like me. She has rough hands and she doesn't mind physical labor. If I see her in makeup it usually means there's a funeral to go to. I don't think she's ever owned a piece of expensive jewelry in her life. She's probably the closest thing to "butch" I ever knew growing up..some days she still is.

She moves things....people give her clothes, furniture, knick knacks..and she re purposes them or finds someone who needs them. She has an entire back room and a shed full of these things...she's probably replaced most of the clothes in my closet as I've lost weight so I don't have to go buy new ones. If I need something...no matter how odd it may sound..I check at moms first. Melon baller? Ask mom...Tea length black skirt? Check the back closet.

She tells people that my husband and my partner are the best son-in-laws she's ever had without blinking an eye to the fact that they are both biologically women and that there's more than one of them. She asks about my girl and how she's feeling because she knows she's sick.  She never questioned or faltered at my be being gay...though she did get tired of the bad cis-male partners I chose for a while before I settled down in my sexuality.  She treats all of the loves of my life, and my extended chosen family as if they were born into our family.  She helped me re-plant roses, because they are my husbands other partners favorite flowers. She's happy about the idea of when we can built a big house so they can all live there with us.

She is unconventional and no, she will probably never deserve a mom of the year award. She's quirky and funny...and most of the time you roll your eyes at whatever she's saying, and toss half of it away. She is gloriously faulted, magnificently human, and she's the only mother I have ever had, mistakes and all.

One day, when my children make a list of all my faults, all my mistakes and quirks and silly little things I've done, I hope they laugh and smile and think "that's my mom and I love her." Because I just did.