Thursday, January 12, 2012

Pic a day -11- close up

Pic a day -11 by Mylittlefetish
Pic a day -11, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.
It's a close up of my ring via Retro Camera App.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Pic a day day- 10

Pic a day day- 10 by Mylittlefetish
Pic a day day- 10, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.
Pic a day day- 10- Childhood
This is Dixie and the Oinkers. They sit on my desk daily and keep me sane.
I think I'll just pick this up from here...might be fun considering what the content could be!
Much love,

The experience of The Traveling Red Dress.

I've had a few red dress moments in my life. I'm lucky that way, I guess. Or maybe it's just that I like the color red. They've been kind of scarce lately though and I miss them. But this isn't about a dress that's actually red...this dress is white...

A few short weeks ago, I said yes to marrying the greatest love of my life. I wrote about  saying yes and then I wrote about why we were not having a wedding and letting go of that dream. At least I tried to convince myself I did. Do women ever stop planning their perfect wedding? Maybe I'm just alone in that. lol

I've been following The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson ever since Beyonce came across my radar..and when The Traveling Red Dress Project came across my feed I was thrilled with it and wanted to get involved. I knew I had a dress to send.  I  asked for one for the ceremony but didn't expect to have anything come of it really. I even saw the post about the white wedding dress that MockingBirdDontWrite posted but I convinced myself it couldn't happen. Yes, I was a bride in need of a dress and a fabulous moment, & yes I lived in the south. But..but but...It was an ACTUAL WEDDING dress for goodness sake! I didn't NEED to wear white! I didn't NEED a dress! It was ONLY going to be me and my love at the ceremony. It WILL NOT fit...why even try? Yep..I said all of those things to myself. Horrible how one can self talk, isn't it?

See like I said...there haven't been a lot of red dress moments in my life lately. I've been the mother of two teenaged daughters (15 & 11) and for years, the single parent household to them until just recently when Nic moved in. I work 40+ hours a week outside of our home, I rarely make time for myself and I wear stress like a small kid with too many books in his backpack. I now have Nic living in house, but we are dealing with a workers comp injury that has Nic in constant pain every day and limited on whats possible. I volunteer, I craft, I journal (A LOT) and life just gets away from you. You look back and realize that you've let years slip by and you haven't had those moments of beautiful in oh, so very long.

I miss them, those moments, but I'm not entirely sure of them. Just last weekend after doing photos with some people I adore, I felt really down when I looked at the pictures of myself ... no part of me wanted to go looking for a dress to make me feel beautiful on my big day because I didn't feel beautiful (see that self talk again...). At all. But fate has a funny way of intervening.

Then someone nudged me to try...and someone else nudged I took the plunge and I contacted her about the dress. It's a little scary putting your life out to a stranger in hopes that they can understand and accept who and what you are...or how much this commitment that we want to make means to us. I wanted her to know that if she didn't choose me, I wouldn't expect a reason why and I appreciated her even considering it. I know our world is changing in many many ways...but I was asking a complete stranger, who I knew nothing about; not her views or feelings; to bless my wedding to another woman by gifting me her wedding dress. I knew how huge it was.

Not only did I say yes...she did too. I was floored....beyond speechless.
I understand her thinking long about this before saying yes. She had to accept us and the possible backlash that could come from her supporting us in this by giving her dress away. That's a big thing to take on for someone you don't even know.

So in a few short weeks, I'll fib a little and make a drive north to meet Mrs. MockingBirdDontWrite and I'll receive the gift of her beautiful wedding dress in the hopes that it fits. Yes, I'm a little worried about that still but its been a great motivator to get me back on track health/weight wise too and i'm not doing the negative self talk.

And Nic (My partner of 5 years) doesn't know about it. At all. I wanted to make the wedding dress be the one surprise I would have in this to give as my gift. I want to see that look on Nics face when I walk down the stairs and into a new chapter of our lives together. So I've been writing here about it and only a few people in my immediate circle even know...after the ceremony, I hope to publish this to my friends and family so they can see the amazing impact that this all has had on me.

I want one red dress all it's white satin glory.

Wish me luck!

Much love,

Monday, January 9, 2012

Mirror Mirror

Most days, it doesnt bother me. Most days I can fool myself. 
Most days, I like the way I look. Or I'm faking myself into thinking I do because I still see myself as much smaller than I actually am. 

This weekend the girl and i went and had pictures taken. Great pictures by a friend and they looked amazing. Except for just one thing...I look at them and I see how fat I am. 

Don't get me wrong...I'm damn confident on most days and I've been working on it. But the person in those pictures so do not match who i am in my head. Seeing it there in black and white just made it hit home even harder. And it HURT

Its funny..because most of the time I'm confident in my clothes. Way more confident than I am without them. I was HAPPY with the way I look saturday when I left the house. Then I saw the pictures and all I wanted to do was cry. Cry because I let it get to this point. Cry because I know it's impacting my health (mentally and physically). Cry because knowing this is how I really look, I can't be ok with it. Cry because I know I've lost 20 lbs in the last few months but I cant see it in those pictures at all. 

I'll never be skinny.the women in my family are built like linebackers. And lucky me, I'm short compared to their 5'8" I look like a smushed version of the stay-puff marchmallow man. With fuzzy red hair. 

I'll go back to my diet and i'll start exercising...but right now I just want to cry about it. 

Much love,

Monday, January 2, 2012

Letting go...

A part of me knew the reality of what we were doing, but I admit there was a side of me that dreamed still.
Doesn't every girl dream of their wedding?

I admit I did...I have. I knew I was going to marry Nic for a long time now. The ring on my finger was just one of the last parts of it. So I dreamed of weddings in white and my family there with us...our daughters by my side. I dreamed of midnight blue cake and flowers and saying "I do".

But the reality of it is that we're two females and in this country/state, they won't let us. Oh sure, we could have a big huge wedding and throw one hell of a party, but it would only mean something to us. As much as my family loves Nic, I'm not even sure they would understand their baby girl walking down the aisle to another woman.

 And the truth is, we don't have the means to be extravagant just to prove a point. Nic saved for my ring for years. I belive that because that's just now Nic is. We have two teen age daughters and a house, not to mention that Nic is still out on workers comp because of an injury that just wont go away.

We talked about a lot of options..a lot. In the end, we did the most practical and economical thing...We'll be going to a little cabin in the North GA mountains for a few days/nights. We'll say our vows to each other alone.No church bells, no...we'll just have each other.

I wanted to be happy about it.A part of me was...even just two days alone with Nic make me happy. The other side of me...the side who dreamed of white dresses and flowers in the spring...well, she just cried. Yes, it was what we should do. Yes it was what was practical. Yes.

No....Because it won't give me what I want. I won't have the right to give you my last name...and I'll still have to watch out for the people who look at us strangely when you take my hand in the middle of Wal-mart in some back country town. Because I'll still have to answer the question of why I call you Nic or Him sometimes when clearly your a girl. Because if our children get sick, or when my grandmother dies, I'll have to lie to the workers at the hospital and tell them you're my sister. Because my father, in case he needs to protect you when your out together, now watches people who stare at you, with his hand on the door...waiting for the day when he has to face homophobia himself for the first time.

And because I wan't to walk down an aisle to you and see your face when you look at me for the first time all over again. Because a part of me want's to feel beautiful, just that one day.

I will say I do in a cabin in the woods somewhere in GA where we're hiding ourselves away in something I pull from the closet. The tears I cry wont be for all the things we don't have...or can't have...they'll be for the vows I speak that are written on my heart like they have been every day for the last 5 years that I have fallen in love with you. They will be for us, and us alone, and right now...that's all that matters.

And if ever the rest of the world catches up..I'll say "I do" all over many times as it takes.

Much love,