I've had a few red dress moments in my life. I'm lucky that way, I guess. Or maybe it's just that I like the color red. They've been kind of scarce lately though and I miss them. But this isn't about a dress that's actually red...this dress is white...
A few short weeks ago, I said yes to marrying the greatest love of my life. I wrote about saying yes and then I wrote about why we were not having a wedding and letting go of that dream. At least I tried to convince myself I did. Do women ever stop planning their perfect wedding? Maybe I'm just alone in that. lol
I've been following The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson ever since Beyonce came across my radar..and when The Traveling Red Dress Project came across my feed I was thrilled with it and wanted to get involved. I knew I had a dress to send. I asked for one for the ceremony but didn't expect to have anything come of it really. I even saw the post about the white wedding dress that MockingBirdDontWrite posted but I convinced myself it couldn't happen. Yes, I was a bride in need of a dress and a fabulous moment, & yes I lived in the south. But..but but...It was an ACTUAL WEDDING dress for goodness sake! I didn't NEED to wear white! I didn't NEED a dress! It was ONLY going to be me and my love at the ceremony. It WILL NOT fit...why even try? Yep..I said all of those things to myself. Horrible how one can self talk, isn't it?
See like I said...there haven't been a lot of red dress moments in my life lately. I've been the mother of two teenaged daughters (15 & 11) and for years, the single parent household to them until just recently when Nic moved in. I work 40+ hours a week outside of our home, I rarely make time for myself and I wear stress like a small kid with too many books in his backpack. I now have Nic living in house, but we are dealing with a workers comp injury that has Nic in constant pain every day and limited on whats possible. I volunteer, I craft, I journal (A LOT) and life just gets away from you. You look back and realize that you've let years slip by and you haven't had those moments of beautiful in oh, so very long.
I miss them, those moments, but I'm not entirely sure of them. Just last weekend after doing photos with some people I adore, I felt really down when I looked at the pictures of myself ... no part of me wanted to go looking for a dress to make me feel beautiful on my big day because I didn't feel beautiful (see that self talk again...). At all. But fate has a funny way of intervening.
Then someone nudged me to try...and someone else nudged me..so I took the plunge and I contacted her about the dress. It's a little scary putting your life out to a stranger in hopes that they can understand and accept who and what you are...or how much this commitment that we want to make means to us. I wanted her to know that if she didn't choose me, I wouldn't expect a reason why and I appreciated her even considering it. I know our world is changing in many many ways...but I was asking a complete stranger, who I knew nothing about; not her views or feelings; to bless my wedding to another woman by gifting me her wedding dress. I knew how huge it was.
Not only did I say yes...she did too. I was floored....beyond speechless.
I understand her thinking long about this before saying yes. She had to accept us and the possible backlash that could come from her supporting us in this by giving her dress away. That's a big thing to take on for someone you don't even know.
So in a few short weeks, I'll fib a little and make a drive north to meet Mrs. MockingBirdDontWrite and I'll receive the gift of her beautiful wedding dress in the hopes that it fits. Yes, I'm a little worried about that still but its been a great motivator to get me back on track health/weight wise too and i'm not doing the negative self talk.
And Nic (My partner of 5 years) doesn't know about it. At all. I wanted to make the wedding dress be the one surprise I would have in this to give as my gift. I want to see that look on Nics face when I walk down the stairs and into a new chapter of our lives together. So I've been writing here about it and only a few people in my immediate circle even know...after the ceremony, I hope to publish this to my friends and family so they can see the amazing impact that this all has had on me.
I want one red dress moment...in all it's white satin glory.
Wish me luck!