Monday, January 2, 2012

Letting go...

A part of me knew the reality of what we were doing, but I admit there was a side of me that dreamed still.
Doesn't every girl dream of their wedding?

I admit I did...I have. I knew I was going to marry Nic for a long time now. The ring on my finger was just one of the last parts of it. So I dreamed of weddings in white and my family there with us...our daughters by my side. I dreamed of midnight blue cake and flowers and saying "I do".

But the reality of it is that we're two females and in this country/state, they won't let us. Oh sure, we could have a big huge wedding and throw one hell of a party, but it would only mean something to us. As much as my family loves Nic, I'm not even sure they would understand their baby girl walking down the aisle to another woman.

 And the truth is, we don't have the means to be extravagant just to prove a point. Nic saved for my ring for years. I belive that because that's just now Nic is. We have two teen age daughters and a house, not to mention that Nic is still out on workers comp because of an injury that just wont go away.

We talked about a lot of options..a lot. In the end, we did the most practical and economical thing...We'll be going to a little cabin in the North GA mountains for a few days/nights. We'll say our vows to each other alone.No church bells, no...we'll just have each other.

I wanted to be happy about it.A part of me was...even just two days alone with Nic make me happy. The other side of me...the side who dreamed of white dresses and flowers in the spring...well, she just cried. Yes, it was what we should do. Yes it was what was practical. Yes.

No....Because it won't give me what I want. I won't have the right to give you my last name...and I'll still have to watch out for the people who look at us strangely when you take my hand in the middle of Wal-mart in some back country town. Because I'll still have to answer the question of why I call you Nic or Him sometimes when clearly your a girl. Because if our children get sick, or when my grandmother dies, I'll have to lie to the workers at the hospital and tell them you're my sister. Because my father, in case he needs to protect you when your out together, now watches people who stare at you, with his hand on the door...waiting for the day when he has to face homophobia himself for the first time.

And because I wan't to walk down an aisle to you and see your face when you look at me for the first time all over again. Because a part of me want's to feel beautiful, just that one day.

I will say I do in a cabin in the woods somewhere in GA where we're hiding ourselves away in something I pull from the closet. The tears I cry wont be for all the things we don't have...or can't have...they'll be for the vows I speak that are written on my heart like they have been every day for the last 5 years that I have fallen in love with you. They will be for us, and us alone, and right now...that's all that matters.

And if ever the rest of the world catches up..I'll say "I do" all over many times as it takes.

Much love,

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