Most days, it doesnt bother me. Most days I can fool myself.
Most days, I like the way I look. Or I'm faking myself into thinking I do because I still see myself as much smaller than I actually am.
This weekend the girl and i went and had pictures taken. Great pictures by a friend and they looked amazing. Except for just one thing...I look at them and I see how fat I am.
Don't get me wrong...I'm damn confident on most days and I've been working on it. But the person in those pictures so do not match who i am in my head. Seeing it there in black and white just made it hit home even harder. And it HURT.
Its funny..because most of the time I'm confident in my clothes. Way more confident than I am without them. I was HAPPY with the way I look saturday when I left the house. Then I saw the pictures and all I wanted to do was cry. Cry because I let it get to this point. Cry because I know it's impacting my health (mentally and physically). Cry because knowing this is how I really look, I can't be ok with it. Cry because I know I've lost 20 lbs in the last few months but I cant see it in those pictures at all.
I'll never be skinny.the women in my family are built like linebackers. And lucky me, I'm short compared to their 5'8" frames...so I look like a smushed version of the stay-puff marchmallow man. With fuzzy red hair.
I'll go back to my diet and i'll start exercising...but right now I just want to cry about it.