Friday, April 20, 2012

Weighty Matters

In october of 2011, I realized that I had surpassed my highest weight. I'm not telling you numbers, but the time before that when my weight was even that close, I gave birth to an almost 10lb baby shortly thereafter. 

Needless to say, I was not giving birth to anything. 

The worst part though, was that my dr upped my blood pressure medicine. Again. At 33 years old, I've been on blood pressure medication for 2+/- years and I accept that I will most likely be on it for the rest of my life. I have a history of heart disease on both sides of my family. My father had his first heart attack at 45. My mothers father died of a heart attack, as did my fathers father. I don't smoke, I rarely drink, but I'm overweight even though I'm active. I'm just genetically manufactured to have a heart attack at some point in my life. I know it's going to happen..I've accepted that. What I don't want, is to give my heart any extra reasons to break down early...or with any type of permanency. 

So october started a slightly more conscience state of eating and being. Then I was very very sick so any type of exercise or eating right went right out the door because trust me, breathing freaking matters when you suddenly CAN'T. I wasn't well until sometime at the end of december, so january I started again with lots of other new years resolution-ers. I also started with the help of my dr with some non-surgical help since I was stuck.  

And february, march and now april. All total, I've lost 35+lbs. 

Don't cheer yet. :) There's more to this..this is just the back story. 

See..I don't talk about this. It's not public knowledge for me and talking about it makes me uncomfortable. I commend those who can be open about it, who post their numbers for everyone to see, but that's not something I'm willing to do.  Oh it's not because I'm ashamed..I'm not. I was/am just as confident as a big girl as I was when I was smaller (and younger.) Vanity isn't something I grasp least not yet. :)  I don't talk about it because I hate the competition, the judging and the comparison that we,women..humans..everyone, sometimes do to each other. Especially when I'm not *in* the competition..and have no desire to be. And it ALWAYS feels that way...even when the encouragement is good natured or has no ill intent. I don't understand the need to compare body A to body B. Body A has it's own make up, needs, changes...where Body B does not share all of those. Body A has had to deal with X, Y & Z today where Body B has dealt with F, G &H, used to have Y but has never had to think about X or Z.  We're all unique for a reason...and the comparison of one beautiful sunset to another just pisses me off. It's seeking fault in a miracle, or flaw in beauty for the sake of seeking the flaw. 

I'm a firm believer in that you don't get to bitch if you're not willing to do the work...but we all have find our way to the work at our own pace and in our own time. I wasn't ready to have a heart attack just yet, so I changed things. I keep changing things...but it's a slow process. I'll get there when I get there. I don't mind the time. 

Am I proud of the work I've done? Sure. But I don't think it's really any big deal. I needed to change for me. And like the quote says..I've still got miles to go before I sleep.