Thursday, July 5, 2012

Thinky Thursday is Thinky

I recognize and accept that I am currently going through a rather icky stage of depression.

There, I said it. I hate it, but I said it. I could throw it out the window, throw on my happy face and fake it (again) but I know it will still be there when no one is looking. It will still creep in and smother me when it can. It will still cause me to stop writing/posting/talking to friends and family because everything I say seems dark and depressive and I HATE that.

See, I tend to be the strong one. I'm the one they lean on, which is great..really. I love that I play that role in the lives of friends and family. And they're all there for me too...but I don't lean well...or easily. I'll sacrifice my own needs (Usually) and my wants (just about always). I have limited concept of "time to myself" (I'm a mom FFS!! We never do!) and even less "space of my own". No, that won't change with the new house... finances and necessity require other things. I've often said that if you add up all the things I have to do, the people I expend energy caring for and dealing with, the work, the loves, teh kids, the house...there aren't enough hours in the day...and the easiest thing to subtract will always be me. But the truth is, I'm my own worst detriment.

It's my own fault..and even though I feel this way, I know at lease one or more people will read this and feel bad for leaning on me. So again..I WOULDN'T CHANGE THAT. Please, for heavens sake, don't take this personally because if you do, I swear, it will make this worse for me.

One of the blogs I read by the awesome Blogess, Jenny Lawson likes to use the motto "Depression Lies". Logically, that's true. I know it's true. I also know depression is a smooth talking motherfucker with a silver tongue that he likes to slip down your throat while he's slow dancing you around a dance floor of broken mirrors before you realize it's choking you. He'll keep you mesmerized with his gaze so that you don't notice that your feet are bleeding and that the rubies he's dangling in front of your eyes are drops of your own blood until it's too late. Depression does lie...but he's damn good at it.

In theory, I should be happy go lucky me. I have a (even though it's somewhat leaky) roof over my head, food in my stomach (Often too much as evidenced by the entire box of oreos I ate last night in an emotional eating mess), a car that goes from a to b and a job that pays for it all...usually. I have two beautiful children who despite driving me crazy, are great kids. I have two wonderful loves who compliment and support two sides of me. I have an excellent family and a fabulous extended family. I'm in mostly good health. The kids are ok. The partners both have health issues but we're dealing with that as we can. Does it all add? Yes. Would I change it? Only parts.

But I wake up wanting to cry most days right now and depression kicks up my anxiety...which makes me a control freak (Yeah. even more so) and causes the depression to worsen..and on and on and on.
I fix where I can. I deal where I have to. I keep my mouth shut and try not to take things personally. Doesn't always work but I've learned to be rather adept with that one. I smile and nod, I forget my worries and deal with kids, work, family home. I'm not different than anyone else...I'm just good at faking it.

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