Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Emotional Vomit


Most likely, this is somewhat cheating. Mostly because I need to write but I don't need to write this where anyone else can see it. I just need to vomit up all the bullshit i'm dealing with and focus it entirely on myself without recognizing what anyone else has to do with it at the moment. Luckily, most of the  people I love avoid this space so I can spew without affecting them.
Selfish? Yep. Necessary?  yes.

I'm tired. not tired like a little bit, like bone jarring tired. I'm tired to the point that all I want to do is cry. And I can't and I wont because gawd forbid if I needed to fall apart.

Sleep isn't really a good option at the moment. See, I have insomnia on a GOOD day. Yep, i have prescription meds to help me sleep but they leave me incapacitated for 8+ hours and groggy the next day. I have OTC meds too but that doesnt help when you have a kid waking you up every 2 hours. But I also have 3 people at the house that are currently either taking sleep medication, dealing with health issues and/or are incapable of driving. So even if I COULD take the prescription medication I need to sleep, I cant.

Oh, did I mention I'm also in the process of moving? Yeah. Boxes everywhere as far as the eye can see. Attempting to coordinate a move that is less than 500 feet but includes 4 people and an entire house is maddening on a good day. But I live with princesses.

And it would be simple if the people I live with were easy to deal with where moving is concerned but they arent. Gawds forbid they have to go even ONE NIGHT without their precious directv satelites or ONE DAY without all the comforts of home. One can't sleep in a bedroom with empty walls, another wont spend the day there without the TV much less any of the 3 of them sleeping without one.

Did I mention that means moving 3 beds, 3 dressers, 3 tv's & 3 boxes by myself in 1 fucking day? Because 2 of the 3 people who live with me are incapable of lifting anything and the other one is 11.

Or that I have to do it on a weekend while moving the rest of the house or deal with living in 2 spaces. Argh!

Meanwhile, Im working full time, juggling all the various installations and deliveries for everything and walk through for house stuff, closing schedules and lawyer appointments.

Oh and theres the emotional turmoil of 2 other people whom I love and trying to balance all of that through packing, moving and working. And cooking dinner, making breakfasts, lunches and not pulling my hair out. I have a friend who needs to talk who i havent had time for, another with knee surgery that I'm supposed to teach 2 classes for this weekend. There's the very serious medical issues with the teenager, the even more serious issues with the teenagers new boyfriend, the changing to homeschooling because she cant handle the drama with the teengirls and the waiting for the other girls father to call us with an estimate of how much it will cost to repaint a 45th edition classic mustang that she accused of keying OR take our chances with court and her having a record. Theres the partner whose medication make him talk and talk and talk who can't control it and physically has to restrain himself from talking just so I can sleep.

I've worried my top lip so much that I now look like a Griffin it's so beaked.

I'm not the only one in this. But truth is I'm tired of hearing about everyone else. I'm tired of listening. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of everyone elses needs and wants and desires. I know it's like standing in the middle of the room and screaming "ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!" but today, right now, this moment, I can't help it. I'm tired of being selfless, or I'm tired of pretending I am trying to be.

I fully accept that most of this is my choice. I am in this. I have created this. I know. My fault.
But I want someone else to take control, tell me "no. Don't worry, I've got this" and be able to believe them for just 5 minutes while I fall apart. I need someone to listen without interjecting how this affects them and making me shut down all of my feelings because I have to deal with how this affects them. Because yes, I realize that this isn't all about me, and yes I know that you're dealing with life too but for fucks sake don't I get just one moment, ever?

I'm so tired.

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