I'm irritated (HA!) this morning (still)..no, I should say, I've been irritated all night (evening too!) and it has bled (too bad not literally) over into this morning (fucker).
So rather than spew garbage (truth) of no consequence (no one else would care) here (which I'm not allowed to do anyway) about what led (drove/started/pushed) me to this (My own pig-headed stubbornness), I'm going to say...
"Have a lovely Thursday!"
and go take a fucking pill.
Showing posts with label Thoughtful Thursdays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughtful Thursdays. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thinky Thursday is Thinky
I recognize and accept that I am currently going through a rather icky stage of depression.
There, I said it. I hate it, but I said it. I could throw it out the window, throw on my happy face and fake it (again) but I know it will still be there when no one is looking. It will still creep in and smother me when it can. It will still cause me to stop writing/posting/talking to friends and family because everything I say seems dark and depressive and I HATE that.
See, I tend to be the strong one. I'm the one they lean on, which is great..really. I love that I play that role in the lives of friends and family. And they're all there for me too...but I don't lean well...or easily. I'll sacrifice my own needs (Usually) and my wants (just about always). I have limited concept of "time to myself" (I'm a mom FFS!! We never do!) and even less "space of my own". No, that won't change with the new house... finances and necessity require other things. I've often said that if you add up all the things I have to do, the people I expend energy caring for and dealing with, the work, the loves, teh kids, the house...there aren't enough hours in the day...and the easiest thing to subtract will always be me. But the truth is, I'm my own worst detriment.
It's my own fault..and even though I feel this way, I know at lease one or more people will read this and feel bad for leaning on me. So again..I WOULDN'T CHANGE THAT. Please, for heavens sake, don't take this personally because if you do, I swear, it will make this worse for me.
One of the blogs I read by the awesome Blogess, Jenny Lawson likes to use the motto "Depression Lies". Logically, that's true. I know it's true. I also know depression is a smooth talking motherfucker with a silver tongue that he likes to slip down your throat while he's slow dancing you around a dance floor of broken mirrors before you realize it's choking you. He'll keep you mesmerized with his gaze so that you don't notice that your feet are bleeding and that the rubies he's dangling in front of your eyes are drops of your own blood until it's too late. Depression does lie...but he's damn good at it.
In theory, I should be happy go lucky me. I have a (even though it's somewhat leaky) roof over my head, food in my stomach (Often too much as evidenced by the entire box of oreos I ate last night in an emotional eating mess), a car that goes from a to b and a job that pays for it all...usually. I have two beautiful children who despite driving me crazy, are great kids. I have two wonderful loves who compliment and support two sides of me. I have an excellent family and a fabulous extended family. I'm in mostly good health. The kids are ok. The partners both have health issues but we're dealing with that as we can. Does it all add? Yes. Would I change it? Only parts.
But I wake up wanting to cry most days right now and depression kicks up my anxiety...which makes me a control freak (Yeah. even more so) and causes the depression to worsen..and on and on and on.
I fix where I can. I deal where I have to. I keep my mouth shut and try not to take things personally. Doesn't always work but I've learned to be rather adept with that one. I smile and nod, I forget my worries and deal with kids, work, family home. I'm not different than anyone else...I'm just good at faking it.
There, I said it. I hate it, but I said it. I could throw it out the window, throw on my happy face and fake it (again) but I know it will still be there when no one is looking. It will still creep in and smother me when it can. It will still cause me to stop writing/posting/talking to friends and family because everything I say seems dark and depressive and I HATE that.
See, I tend to be the strong one. I'm the one they lean on, which is great..really. I love that I play that role in the lives of friends and family. And they're all there for me too...but I don't lean well...or easily. I'll sacrifice my own needs (Usually) and my wants (just about always). I have limited concept of "time to myself" (I'm a mom FFS!! We never do!) and even less "space of my own". No, that won't change with the new house... finances and necessity require other things. I've often said that if you add up all the things I have to do, the people I expend energy caring for and dealing with, the work, the loves, teh kids, the house...there aren't enough hours in the day...and the easiest thing to subtract will always be me. But the truth is, I'm my own worst detriment.
It's my own fault..and even though I feel this way, I know at lease one or more people will read this and feel bad for leaning on me. So again..I WOULDN'T CHANGE THAT. Please, for heavens sake, don't take this personally because if you do, I swear, it will make this worse for me.
One of the blogs I read by the awesome Blogess, Jenny Lawson likes to use the motto "Depression Lies". Logically, that's true. I know it's true. I also know depression is a smooth talking motherfucker with a silver tongue that he likes to slip down your throat while he's slow dancing you around a dance floor of broken mirrors before you realize it's choking you. He'll keep you mesmerized with his gaze so that you don't notice that your feet are bleeding and that the rubies he's dangling in front of your eyes are drops of your own blood until it's too late. Depression does lie...but he's damn good at it.
In theory, I should be happy go lucky me. I have a (even though it's somewhat leaky) roof over my head, food in my stomach (Often too much as evidenced by the entire box of oreos I ate last night in an emotional eating mess), a car that goes from a to b and a job that pays for it all...usually. I have two beautiful children who despite driving me crazy, are great kids. I have two wonderful loves who compliment and support two sides of me. I have an excellent family and a fabulous extended family. I'm in mostly good health. The kids are ok. The partners both have health issues but we're dealing with that as we can. Does it all add? Yes. Would I change it? Only parts.
But I wake up wanting to cry most days right now and depression kicks up my anxiety...which makes me a control freak (Yeah. even more so) and causes the depression to worsen..and on and on and on.
I fix where I can. I deal where I have to. I keep my mouth shut and try not to take things personally. Doesn't always work but I've learned to be rather adept with that one. I smile and nod, I forget my worries and deal with kids, work, family home. I'm not different than anyone else...I'm just good at faking it.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I'm a very bad blogger. Yes, yes, I know..Not like I don't have 9,217 other things going on in my life right now, right? It's not that I don't WANT to write..I'm just..yeah. Time.. always time..
I'm always enthralled by blogs in which people devote themselves to one particular medium...lists, a photo a day, etc...but there's something about the same thing, day after day after day that both draws me in and repels me. I will go on kicks where I eat the same food every day for MONTHS, but then I forget it or I loose interest and it's gone for a while. I'm the same way with creative endeavors. I cook, I write, I sew, I paint, I journal, I bead...I get bored and something else comes along..OOHH SHINY!
For the last 5 years, the majority of my creative energy has been fed into an event that I worked for. At the end of the event this year, I quit. It wasn't a "HELL YES!" anymore..it was an "Awww...hell!" and sometimes a "Oh HELL no!". So I quit..at it's one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever had to do because while I had grown to hate the job in so many ways, I loved it in so many ways as well.
But much like with most things..I'll begin anew. Here. Now.
Unless otherwise enthralled, I'm going to try to post the following patterns:
Here we go....
I'm always enthralled by blogs in which people devote themselves to one particular medium...lists, a photo a day, etc...but there's something about the same thing, day after day after day that both draws me in and repels me. I will go on kicks where I eat the same food every day for MONTHS, but then I forget it or I loose interest and it's gone for a while. I'm the same way with creative endeavors. I cook, I write, I sew, I paint, I journal, I bead...I get bored and something else comes along..OOHH SHINY!
For the last 5 years, the majority of my creative energy has been fed into an event that I worked for. At the end of the event this year, I quit. It wasn't a "HELL YES!" anymore..it was an "Awww...hell!" and sometimes a "Oh HELL no!". So I quit..at it's one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever had to do because while I had grown to hate the job in so many ways, I loved it in so many ways as well.
But much like with most things..I'll begin anew. Here. Now.
Unless otherwise enthralled, I'm going to try to post the following patterns:
- Monday Morning Madness: Wrap up of the weekend, list of things to do..craziness in my everyday life.
- Take a Picture Tuesday: Theoretically, this should be easy..in practice, I tend to forget.
- Working Wednesdays: Inspired by w Friend, Just Write and So Gay's, Blog a list of the things I'm working on currently..since I can't seem to stick to one!
- Thoughtful Thursday: Thinking things that are thoughtful...LOOK! I made todays! Woot!
- Follow Me Fridays: Fun, interesting people you should read and follow...if I'm here, because lets be honest, unless I'm chained to a desk for 9+ hours a day..I'm NOT at a computer.
Here we go....
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