Something New

My normal methods for creation usually end up leading me to a small notebook that I keep each year.

It's not something I always share though there have been times lately that I have. I'm rather quiet about it, I'm way secretive about it and some processes were not ever meant to be shared. That's ok, I don't need them all to be.

But lately my inclination has been to create something bigger...something that would hang on a wall somewhere and be seen. It's funny because it's something I'm ridiculously shy about. There are pencil sketches that have hung proudly on a wall in my Namaws house for years now that I made from the time I was 15...yet I would never consider what I do "art" and I question anyone elses acceptance of it. I'm often shocked, even though I know I'm creative, that anyone else would like what I make.

But through some gentle pushing, I made this last week:

And even handing it to the person it was made for had me scared to death that he'd hate it (even though logically, I knew it wouldn't happen).

Now another friend has asked when they will be sold. *gulp*

Insert self doubt, mix liberally with past failure to create something and make anything of it, add a dash of worse case scenario syndrome, subtract the fear of it becoming less than what I need it to be...and you end up with me in an incredibly self deprecating mode of thinking.

Of course Ill keep creating anyway. But for now, I'm just going to turn what I make over to someone else..let them deal with the marketing side of it. I'll just keep making things.

Thankfulness Day 6

Day 6!
6. I'm grateful for the right to vote, the ability to do so, and the knowledge to understand why it matters.

1. I'm thankful that I have a job that while it pays the bills and puts food on the table, I can leave it at work when i go home for the day. I can handle high stress situations at work but when all is said and done, it's a job for me and I need to not let it fall over into the rest of my life. Work is for work.

2. Today I'm grateful for a full night of sleep that I actually rested in. I was put on a Cpap machine a week ago today and last night was the first time I actually slept through the night with it on. I am hoping that it makes a continual difference in my sleep patterns so that I have more energy and a better quality of life.

3. I'm thankful for a compliment that someone gave me a compliment today that truly touched me. We went to a retreat to teach a class for a group and he told me that their entire retreat was modeled after the ones I used to do for my own group. It meant a lot to me that we recognized what I had contributed and thought enough of it to use the example for them as well. 

4. I'm thankful for my parents and the hard work that they do. We spent the morning cleaning out the shed then pitched in to help them work on tearing down an old building on the property. 

5. Im grateful for clean water to drink. I drink a lot of water through the day and some days it's the only healthy thing I do for myself. I'm glad that I have clean, cold water and access to it on a daily basis. Not everyone is so lucky. 

Thankfulness

Continuing on!

1. I'm thankful that I have a job that while it pays the bills and puts food on the table, I can leave it at work when i go home for the day. I can handle high stress situations at work but when all is said and done, it's a job for me and I need to not let it fall over into the rest of my life. Work is for work.

2. Today I'm grateful for a full night of sleep that I actually rested in. I was put on a Cpap machine a week ago today and last night was the first time I actually slept through the night with it on. I am hoping that it makes a continual difference in my sleep patterns so that I have more energy and a better quality of life.

3. I'm thankful for a compliment that someone gave me a compliment today that truly touched me. We went to a retreat to teach a class for a group and he told me that their entire retreat was modeled after the ones I used to do for my own group. It meant a lot to me that we recognized what I had contributed and thought enough of it to use the example for them as well. 

4. I'm thankful for my parents and the hard work that they do. We spent the morning cleaning out the shed then pitched in to help them work on tearing down an old building on the property. 

5. Im grateful for clean water to drink. I drink a lot of water through the day and some days it's the only healthy thing I do for myself. I'm glad that I have clean, cold water and access to it on a daily basis. Not everyone is so lucky. 

Thankfulness

I'm going to attempt to write something I'm thankful for each day this month. Of course, I'm already a day behind because that's just how I roll. SO! Here's yesterday and todays...

1. I'm thankful that I have a job that while it pays the bills and puts food on the table, I can leave it at work when i go home for the day. I can handle high stress situations at work but when all is said and done, it's a job for me and I need to not let it fall over into the rest of my life. Work is for work.

2. Today I'm grateful for a full night of sleep that I actually rested in. I was put on a Cpap machine a week ago today and last night was the first time I actually slept through the night with it on. I am hoping that it makes a continual difference in my sleep patterns so that I have more energy and a better quality of life.

Stay tuned for more!

What Dreams are made of

Thursday night, I was subjected to what will be the first (of probably a few) sleep studies thanks to my Dr. Now, I knew this was coming, for weeks in fact, but somehow the very idea of it slipped my mind until day of.

And then, all hell broke loose.

Ok first let me back track...I have always had sleep issues. My entire family does actually...except my little sister who can (and does) sleep literally, anywhere...so it's not odd or uncommon for me to go days without sleeping, or sleep very very little.

It's not that I don't sleep either...I do. But I have very vivid (and often nightmarish  dreams that leave me in a constant state of being tired. I feel like I was up working/running/doing when I do sleep...which really isn't much of a surprise if you know how terrible I am at stopping from working/running/doing in my waking life.

So here we are, day of study and my brain takes over with all the "what if?" of having to go through this. And trust me, I can think of some very, very disturbing scenarios. Of course it doesn't help that I have been known to talk & walk in my sleep too and I'll have people WATCHING ME SLEEP.

Basically. 

The first thought is what if I get hungry? I can't sleep if I'm hungry. (Please note, at this point all logic has now left my brain building)...What if they won't let me eat? I don't keep cash on me so even if they DO let me eat, I won't have change for vending machine food (which I don't like anyway but illogical brain won't listen)...and I'm thinking all of this while gorging myself on sushi, knowing that I can have breakfast the next morning but totally convinced I will somehow starve to death between the hours of 7pm -7am.

I've also convinced myself that i'll need an extra layer of clothes...this is disconcerting since I sleep naked usually and now, not only do I have to wear pajamas but underwear. Full set. Yeah.

To save you the trouble there was also:

• Being watched entirely all night long by the camera in the room
• Saying/doing something in my sleep to cause embarrassment
• Not being allowed to move/strapped into the bed with electrodes
• Not being allowed to have anything to drink 
• Not being allowed to leave
• ETC.

By the time I actually get to the hospital, I have a bag packed with just about everything imaginable to get me through the next 12 hours and enough Xanax to dose all the nurses if I have to make an escape. I'm fairly certain that if I can use the strap of my bag as a makeshift sling shot, I can launch them into their open mouths, and run. Of course this plain somewhat fails when I realize, I should probably just take the damn pills myself. So I take one and sign in, seating myself in the corner and cowering behind a book. It will look like I'm reading and not terrified. Right, because the eyes-as-big-as-dinner-plates doesn't give me away at-freaking-all.

Then, I notice that I'm the youngest person awaiting the fate of our sleep study attendants to come and get us. Uh oh. I don't mean by a few years...I mean by decades. We're retrieved and asked to walk single file, down the longest hall in the history of any hospital. Seriously, I think Sam and Frodo made it to get rid of that damn ring faster. One of the guys behind me is already asking for a wheelchair and dude brought a mini-cooler! This does not help my panic. I'm guessing if one of the octogenarians that I'm to be spending the night with drops dead, at least we are at the hospital. If it's wheelchair dude, dibs on the mini cooler.

Our attendents split us off into groups and put us in rooms to ourselves...which is a great relief because one of my fears is that I'll be sleeping in a big room with other people and therefor subjected to more bodies/eyes/witnesses.

Torture...err..sleep room

Instead I end up here. Which looks all nice, until you notice that it smells funky. Not hospital, antiseptic funny...musty mildewing funny. And then theres the fact that it's barely a concealed hospital room equipment. Uh huh. I'd have slept better if you made it what it is...a hospital room.

So I'm told to settle in and my nurse, Lynn, will be back to hook me up for the night. Notice those long wires across the bed? Yeah...that's what she means. so I do the only logical thing I can think of. I hide all my assumed contraband (snacks, water, meds) with my back to the camera that I'm sure is watching my every move, hide in the bathroom and change into 2 layers of clothes and try to act all chill and watch tv.

Which, by the way, I can't figure out how to work. Neither can Lynn, so I don't feel completely stupid. Ok, I do feel completely stupid but she works here for chrissake, so I'm at least a step up!

There are no towels in the room...or the bathroom..or soap. Damn. The one thing I didn't prepare for. I ask for water and I get a cup small enough to give to a child. Which just makes me more thirsty. So now, not only do I have to wipe wet hands on my PJ's when I wash them without soap (EW), but I'm going to have to repeatedly fill my miniscule glass up at the bathroom sink. I try not to think of what the pipes must look like if the room smells this way.

Lynn comes back at has me drop electrodes down my pants (not like that, you pervs!) and then starts attaching things everywhere...and I do mean everywhere. I didn't freak when the belt strapped around my upper chest, or even around my waist..or the elctrodes that went into my hair with some icky gel substance. But the one on my chin and neck nearly made me come undone. Meanwhile, Lynn is chattering away and I'm practically sitting on my hands to keep from ripping every wire off and running out the door.

Oh-so-thrilled-electroded-me

Yep. I can totally see how this is going to be restful.

Lynn leaves me to rest with the instructions that I cannot lay on the bed (apparently the pretty covers and pillows are decorative only...do not make me think of when they were washed last. please.) and comes back in about 30 mins to "strap me in for the night". Turns out, theres a nose piece too and that little red ET-esq thing they put on your finger to take your pulse gets taped onto one of my fingers.

Fabulous. Lets hope I don't pick my nose in my sleep. Let's hope the person before me didn't either.

Then Lynn says two things that terrify me more than anything else has.
1. They are planning on keeping me the next day for a series of nap tests....this is to test and see if I'm Narcoleptic (more on this in a moment) if I don't show any apneic events during the night.
2. If I need anything, I can just speak into the room and Lynn will answer me.

1....ummm...What the ever loving fuck!?!?! So if I DON'T stop breathing, I am stuck here? Did ya'll not read my paperwork AT FREAKING ALL?!?! I'm not narcoleptic..I DONT SLEEP...I don't nap unless I'm sick and I am NOT wasting my friday off being in a smelly room with nothing to do for 2 hours only to be told to sleep for 30 mins and woken back up if I do. Again. And Again.

2...Effin Hell, that's creepy as fuck. You're name is not Siri and I don't have an Iphone. Yeah, yeah, I know it's what I'm signed up for but dude...weird. Can't I push a button like a normal hospital room?

And of course I have to test it. Lynn is gone 10 mins when I call her name and sure enough, she answers over the intercom, creeping me the fuck out. What I neglected to find out before she left was I have to call for Lynn each and every time I get out of bed. Lynn, my dear, we are in for a very long night.

The second time I call Lynns name, it's for an entirely different reason. The electrodes behind my ears and under my neck are burning. I'm fairly certain that in my illogical brain head, this means that the wires will catch fire and I will somehow combust. Lynn however tells me, ever so nonchalantly, that the gel they use is abrasive and "we have to remove the 1st layer of skin".

Oh boy. Nighty, Night now!

Lynn is called multiple times during the night and poor dear, has to suffer through my neurosis of having to brush my teeth each time I get up to pee. Which is a lot. By 3am (and the 5th time I called her, I think), Lynn is telling me there are not very many apneic events and can I try to sleep on my back because they occur more often this way. Well sure, even though I never sleep on my back, why the hell not. Because poor Lynn sounds as tired as I am, and a part of me feels bad for her having to sit and watch people like me sleep all night. Which makes me wonder who the hell imagines doing that when they grow up?
"Mommy! I want to watch people sleep at night!" 
"OK little Jimmy, you can either be a sleep apnea tech or a stalker. Your choice! We support and love your dreams, little Jimmy!" 

And that is where the nightmare that I've been trying to force myself not to have all night, hit full force. I don't know what their electrodes record but if they could have seen this one, I might have made a mint in the horror movie business  Or they would have run screaming from their jobs...or locked me away...quite possibly, all three.

And of course, that's when I stop breathing. I'm told later on that I have a mild form of sleep apnea but that it increases dramatically when I fall into a deep sleep...which isn't much or often. No shit, Sherlock. What part of "I have nightmares" did you miss? Ever tried to breath normally when your brain has convinced you that you are talking to another form of yourself sitting in the exact same hospital bed while they are tortured in ways that make the Saw movies look tame? How about when your nightmares often leave you grasping at reality as to if your loved ones have really died and you either wake them up in a panic to make sure they're alive or sit in the dark crying and waiting on each of them to wake up, check in and be ok?

Whatever it was, they let me unstrap and go home after my breakfast of starch, starch & starch with a side of milk (again..lactose intolerant). I feel sorry for the little nurse who tried to help me find my way out of the hospital...because she was trying to be nice and tell me the easiest way to my car and by that point I was panicked and needed to be out of the building no matter where it put me.

The REALLY good news? They want me to do another one.....

Emotional Vomit

http://www.saatchionline.com/art/Painting-Oil-Evolution-of-Camouflage/85669/1429336/view

Most likely, this is somewhat cheating. Mostly because I need to write but I don't need to write this where anyone else can see it. I just need to vomit up all the bullshit i'm dealing with and focus it entirely on myself without recognizing what anyone else has to do with it at the moment. Luckily, most of the  people I love avoid this space so I can spew without affecting them.
Selfish? Yep. Necessary?  yes.


I'm tired. not tired like a little bit, like bone jarring tired. I'm tired to the point that all I want to do is cry. And I can't and I wont because gawd forbid if I needed to fall apart.

Sleep isn't really a good option at the moment. See, I have insomnia on a GOOD day. Yep, i have prescription meds to help me sleep but they leave me incapacitated for 8+ hours and groggy the next day. I have OTC meds too but that doesnt help when you have a kid waking you up every 2 hours. But I also have 3 people at the house that are currently either taking sleep medication, dealing with health issues and/or are incapable of driving. So even if I COULD take the prescription medication I need to sleep, I cant.

Oh, did I mention I'm also in the process of moving? Yeah. Boxes everywhere as far as the eye can see. Attempting to coordinate a move that is less than 500 feet but includes 4 people and an entire house is maddening on a good day. But I live with princesses.

And it would be simple if the people I live with were easy to deal with where moving is concerned but they arent. Gawds forbid they have to go even ONE NIGHT without their precious directv satelites or ONE DAY without all the comforts of home. One can't sleep in a bedroom with empty walls, another wont spend the day there without the TV much less any of the 3 of them sleeping without one.

Did I mention that means moving 3 beds, 3 dressers, 3 tv's & 3 boxes by myself in 1 fucking day? Because 2 of the 3 people who live with me are incapable of lifting anything and the other one is 11.

Or that I have to do it on a weekend while moving the rest of the house or deal with living in 2 spaces. Argh!

Meanwhile, Im working full time, juggling all the various installations and deliveries for everything and walk through for house stuff, closing schedules and lawyer appointments.

Oh and theres the emotional turmoil of 2 other people whom I love and trying to balance all of that through packing, moving and working. And cooking dinner, making breakfasts, lunches and not pulling my hair out. I have a friend who needs to talk who i havent had time for, another with knee surgery that I'm supposed to teach 2 classes for this weekend. There's the very serious medical issues with the teenager, the even more serious issues with the teenagers new boyfriend, the changing to homeschooling because she cant handle the drama with the teengirls and the waiting for the other girls father to call us with an estimate of how much it will cost to repaint a 45th edition classic mustang that she accused of keying OR take our chances with court and her having a record. Theres the partner whose medication make him talk and talk and talk who can't control it and physically has to restrain himself from talking just so I can sleep.

I've worried my top lip so much that I now look like a Griffin it's so beaked.

I'm not the only one in this. But truth is I'm tired of hearing about everyone else. I'm tired of listening. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of everyone elses needs and wants and desires. I know it's like standing in the middle of the room and screaming "ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!" but today, right now, this moment, I can't help it. I'm tired of being selfless, or I'm tired of pretending I am trying to be.

I fully accept that most of this is my choice. I am in this. I have created this. I know. My fault.
But I want someone else to take control, tell me "no. Don't worry, I've got this" and be able to believe them for just 5 minutes while I fall apart. I need someone to listen without interjecting how this affects them and making me shut down all of my feelings because I have to deal with how this affects them. Because yes, I realize that this isn't all about me, and yes I know that you're dealing with life too but for fucks sake don't I get just one moment, ever?

I'm so tired.

3 Questions

From Danille LaPorte

3 questions for easier living.

1. Out of what needs to be done in your life — work, household, creativity –what do you do best?

Creativity for sure. I manage on housework but find it tedious more often than not. I'd rather cook the meal than clean up after it. 

2. What space do you have access to — in your home, work, city — that makes you feel the most peaceful and/or inspired?

The labyrinth at a local church. Really, Labyrinths in general. I've never been inside the church and have no desire to go but I was thrilled to learn the labyrinth was there. 

There's also a deeper connection to nature and outside in general. Mostly I go where I'm drawn. Sometimes it's the woods, sometimes its seeking out moving water. 

3. What are you doing that you resent, and how can you phase out of that?

Heh...lots of things. 

1.  Not making/taking time for myself. 
2. Taking on too much & becoming overwhelmed. (See above)
3. Not getting enough sleep/exercise/quiet. 
4. Eating CRAP food (i.e. quick, easy, cheap, pointless)
5. Judging my current self with past versions of myself or what I think should be current versions of myself. 

Phase out...well, I'm not sure. I'm working on it but by far, these are not easy tasks.