Emotional Vomit

http://www.saatchionline.com/art/Painting-Oil-Evolution-of-Camouflage/85669/1429336/view

Most likely, this is somewhat cheating. Mostly because I need to write but I don't need to write this where anyone else can see it. I just need to vomit up all the bullshit i'm dealing with and focus it entirely on myself without recognizing what anyone else has to do with it at the moment. Luckily, most of the  people I love avoid this space so I can spew without affecting them.
Selfish? Yep. Necessary?  yes.


I'm tired. not tired like a little bit, like bone jarring tired. I'm tired to the point that all I want to do is cry. And I can't and I wont because gawd forbid if I needed to fall apart.

Sleep isn't really a good option at the moment. See, I have insomnia on a GOOD day. Yep, i have prescription meds to help me sleep but they leave me incapacitated for 8+ hours and groggy the next day. I have OTC meds too but that doesnt help when you have a kid waking you up every 2 hours. But I also have 3 people at the house that are currently either taking sleep medication, dealing with health issues and/or are incapable of driving. So even if I COULD take the prescription medication I need to sleep, I cant.

Oh, did I mention I'm also in the process of moving? Yeah. Boxes everywhere as far as the eye can see. Attempting to coordinate a move that is less than 500 feet but includes 4 people and an entire house is maddening on a good day. But I live with princesses.

And it would be simple if the people I live with were easy to deal with where moving is concerned but they arent. Gawds forbid they have to go even ONE NIGHT without their precious directv satelites or ONE DAY without all the comforts of home. One can't sleep in a bedroom with empty walls, another wont spend the day there without the TV much less any of the 3 of them sleeping without one.

Did I mention that means moving 3 beds, 3 dressers, 3 tv's & 3 boxes by myself in 1 fucking day? Because 2 of the 3 people who live with me are incapable of lifting anything and the other one is 11.

Or that I have to do it on a weekend while moving the rest of the house or deal with living in 2 spaces. Argh!

Meanwhile, Im working full time, juggling all the various installations and deliveries for everything and walk through for house stuff, closing schedules and lawyer appointments.

Oh and theres the emotional turmoil of 2 other people whom I love and trying to balance all of that through packing, moving and working. And cooking dinner, making breakfasts, lunches and not pulling my hair out. I have a friend who needs to talk who i havent had time for, another with knee surgery that I'm supposed to teach 2 classes for this weekend. There's the very serious medical issues with the teenager, the even more serious issues with the teenagers new boyfriend, the changing to homeschooling because she cant handle the drama with the teengirls and the waiting for the other girls father to call us with an estimate of how much it will cost to repaint a 45th edition classic mustang that she accused of keying OR take our chances with court and her having a record. Theres the partner whose medication make him talk and talk and talk who can't control it and physically has to restrain himself from talking just so I can sleep.

I've worried my top lip so much that I now look like a Griffin it's so beaked.

I'm not the only one in this. But truth is I'm tired of hearing about everyone else. I'm tired of listening. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of everyone elses needs and wants and desires. I know it's like standing in the middle of the room and screaming "ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!" but today, right now, this moment, I can't help it. I'm tired of being selfless, or I'm tired of pretending I am trying to be.

I fully accept that most of this is my choice. I am in this. I have created this. I know. My fault.
But I want someone else to take control, tell me "no. Don't worry, I've got this" and be able to believe them for just 5 minutes while I fall apart. I need someone to listen without interjecting how this affects them and making me shut down all of my feelings because I have to deal with how this affects them. Because yes, I realize that this isn't all about me, and yes I know that you're dealing with life too but for fucks sake don't I get just one moment, ever?

I'm so tired.

3 Questions

From Danille LaPorte

3 questions for easier living.

1. Out of what needs to be done in your life — work, household, creativity –what do you do best?

Creativity for sure. I manage on housework but find it tedious more often than not. I'd rather cook the meal than clean up after it. 

2. What space do you have access to — in your home, work, city — that makes you feel the most peaceful and/or inspired?

The labyrinth at a local church. Really, Labyrinths in general. I've never been inside the church and have no desire to go but I was thrilled to learn the labyrinth was there. 

There's also a deeper connection to nature and outside in general. Mostly I go where I'm drawn. Sometimes it's the woods, sometimes its seeking out moving water. 

3. What are you doing that you resent, and how can you phase out of that?

Heh...lots of things. 

1.  Not making/taking time for myself. 
2. Taking on too much & becoming overwhelmed. (See above)
3. Not getting enough sleep/exercise/quiet. 
4. Eating CRAP food (i.e. quick, easy, cheap, pointless)
5. Judging my current self with past versions of myself or what I think should be current versions of myself. 

Phase out...well, I'm not sure. I'm working on it but by far, these are not easy tasks. 

Working Wednesday

Busy busy busy

The house we're building (and by building, I mean having someone else do it) is coming along. We've run into a few issues that (thank the gawd!) my father has caught before they became a majob problem...issues like, oh, the slab was poured unlevel (mostly because the workers were left unsupervised and got a few beers on the job) and now its not square. So framing has been pushed back and pushed back. Grrr but nothing to do but make sure it's right the first time. I am so very very grateful that my dad is there, checking in on things and making sure it's correct...and that he knows what that means because we are all at a loss. I'm keeping copious amounts of notes. 

I started doing this Zumba Routine this morning. Don't laugh. Yes, I look like an idiot and no, no one was watching me. I usually scoff at the whole zumba thing because it's way too complicated and choreographed for me to buy into it. Especially at 5 am. But this one was simple enough (i thought!) Holy crap my arms hurt! 

And no, I still do not think I need to be doing this in public. Anywhere. Ever. 

I'm still working on the health kick. It's not easy but then I don't suppose it's supposed to be. I see my dr. at the end of the month and I really really really want there to be enough progress that he's encouraging about blood pressure etc. I truly don't give a rats pa-toot about my weight but my knees and blood pressure sure seem to and therefore I must pay attention. 

I spend more time on Pinterest than I probably should. But it keeps me sane..well..it keeps me from killing people, so that counts, right? Where else can I horde  collect everything from recipes to quirky little saying that make me laugh? 

I read an entire book last night in one sitting. This is saying something for me. I'm late to the show in reading The Hunger Games. I liked the first book but I'm not sure I want to read the others. Something about the post-apocalyptic fight-for-your-life "game" made me think too much of reality tv and how much I dislike it. 

The boy has me listening to this lately. Love it.

Other than that:

• Quote journals
• Getting kids ready for back to school (woohoo! 6th & 10th grades!)
• Uncovering why it is that I am incapable of keeping a pair of scissors. Seriously. This is getting to the point of ridiculous. 
• Reciprocal letters with the youngest munchkin in which she asks me how to spell the word put (originally it was "pute" from her), draws me pictures of trees against purple skies, and asks important questions like "who made G-d" that I have to defer to others for information on. That kid amazes me. 

YOUR NUMBER OF THE DAY IS 5 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012: Maintain flexibility today, because your plans may change more than once. Your intuition can't be beat, so don't be afraid to rely on it and to be decisive. It's a wonderful day for social interaction.

Via Numerology.com

july 25

july 25, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

july 24

july 24, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.

Works in progress

Wednesday! Time for the list of things I'm working on...mostly because it's a way to distract me from the things I SHOULD be working on but don't want to.

• FIGS! The fig tree I remember from my childhood has started producing again...not tons..but enough! So every afternoon, I go pick figs. By the time the next morning rolls around they're all gone because the kids LOVE them! 
• I've got to put the finishing touches on a sign I made for my favorite campground Whispering Oaks. My long time friends own and run it..and they have this teeeeeeennnny sign that people coming in can barely find. Since we're visiting this weekend, I wanted to make them one they could have for years to come. Pics when I can get them up! They've also been visited by tragedy in the form of lightning hitting their mess hall and burning it to the ground. This is the 4th time they've recovered from fires since I've known them...it's just shocking! Thankfully, no one was hurt! But they're due some goodness so I've searched and found a pair of shoes that dona lost in the last fire..I can't wait to see the look on her face when I give them to her. :)
• Nic's headed to NY next week so we have to do some packing to get ready to go. The eldest munchkin is headed to the beach with a friend. I'll probably send the youngest munchkin off because I'm looking forward to a week somewhat by myself that to be honest, is WAY overdue. 

Off to eat lunch...

think

think, a photo by Mylittlefetish on Flickr.